This weekend was my friend Kim's birthday. It meant a road trip to Regina with friends for a big house birthday party at their house. Got all nostalgic being back in my old home town. I relaxed and danced and had such a nice time. I reconnected with my friends and made a few new ones. Even stopped in at Burger Baron (there's no local one...sniff) before we headed home with the whole Saskatoon crew. My crew.
It's good to have friends. When you feel lonely and then there's all these wonderful kind people who make you laugh? Well. There's nothing much better than that.
I forget sometimes that it's not just me and J in this big crazy world. There are some lovely people who choose to be my friends and I am so grateful for them. We are wierd and we are shiny and it gives me hope that in the midst of all the humdrum and tediousness there is joy and laughter. I'll take it whenever I can get it.
Yes. Good weekend really.
Revelations
Yesterday I spent part of my day in an Mental Health Awareness Training for Managers class. I learned a lot...not only about how to help and what is appropriate for me to do to help my staff BUT I also, unfortunately, learned a bit about myself.
During the class the discussion and description of depression and anxiety made me stop and think. There was a lot of time spent looking at depression and emotional issues not so much as sadness, but as a dislocation from regular life. As the need for having to back away from social things and life events because it's too much to process...an overload that causes anxiety. Social anxiety at the thought of going out, even with good friends. Have angry responses to demands that seem burdensome when they previously were OK. Spending time alone to process life and finding no joy in things that formerly brought you joy and interest.
Hello me lately.
It's a bit of a kick in the arse to see it in black and white, but it would appear that my tamoxifen is giving me issues...it's clinically known side effect and I've been trying to pretend like I can fix this on my own, but I am wondering now if that will work. I'm assuming that the changes in my body chemistry are the cause...I don't know what else it could be. God knows I've been through enough shit in the last few years to warrant a bit of blue, but why now if not for that reason? I'm giving myself until after my surgery when I have my physical with my doc to try and fix this with exercise and vitamin D and healthy livingish type stuff. Exercise endorphins help too...but they only go so far and last for so long. I can't do crazy hard core workouts right now so I'm restricted in that regards and I don't want to get weird and unhealthy with my approach to food an exercise thinking it will some how "fix" me if I just did it right...because that's just one more things for me to be sad about. If it doesn't get better maybe I'll do something sooner if it really gets to me...I dunno. I just know I don't want to be this way anymore. It's been months and months of this...I get days of respite and feel better for a bit, but it always comes back. I'm starting to see for the first time just how J feels when he has bouts of depression...and man -I don't like it. I am not myself.
Although there are decent days where I'm jsut a bit numb or blue, I will admit to having days where I'd prefer to hide in a blanket fort with the covers and hide. I've pondered calling in sick to work. There are days when I am just numb or just...sad for no reason. When walking home I often think "I could just sit down and lay on the grass there for a while"...and tend to sleep a lot when I have free time. Now, it could just be that I'm tired and run down from exercising more and being busy...but not this much. It's too often and too frequent to ignore. I find it hard to focus on anything at work. I am normally a happy cheerful person and J is the one with this kinda problem. It's incredibly frustrating.
So what to do?
Guess I"ll find out.
There are a few medications like Effexor or Pristiq I could try for this that don't interact with my tamoxifen so I have 1 or 2 options that way, but a part of me just doesn't want to take medication any more. I am trying vitamin D and exercise for now. More pills doesn't seem like the answer. But...BUT the rest of me knows that if I have to take this drug for 10 damn years then I need to deal with this if it's going to be an issue and effect my life like this...because I don't like feeling this way. I did not fight for my life to have it be like this. Maybe I just need a bit of help for a while...?
Have any of you felt this way? Dealt with this? Have any natural supplements you could suggest? I've heard magnesium can help... It may be TMI but this blog is my sounding board for me to write out my thoughts and try and solidify things for me...so you're getting this too. Sorry.
Not Sorry.
I've really been working to stay active and exercise. My food isn't always great since I medicate my moods with food and lately they haven't been great. I've actually gained a few pounds while trying to get fit, but I'm reminding myself it's probably just muscles (I hope). I'm trying not to drink as a diversion and get out to do things with J and friends that I know I will enjoy. I'm doing what I can...I think. It's not all gloom. Just sometimes...and those times are more often than they should be.
We'll see...
During the class the discussion and description of depression and anxiety made me stop and think. There was a lot of time spent looking at depression and emotional issues not so much as sadness, but as a dislocation from regular life. As the need for having to back away from social things and life events because it's too much to process...an overload that causes anxiety. Social anxiety at the thought of going out, even with good friends. Have angry responses to demands that seem burdensome when they previously were OK. Spending time alone to process life and finding no joy in things that formerly brought you joy and interest.
Hello me lately.
Although there are decent days where I'm jsut a bit numb or blue, I will admit to having days where I'd prefer to hide in a blanket fort with the covers and hide. I've pondered calling in sick to work. There are days when I am just numb or just...sad for no reason. When walking home I often think "I could just sit down and lay on the grass there for a while"...and tend to sleep a lot when I have free time. Now, it could just be that I'm tired and run down from exercising more and being busy...but not this much. It's too often and too frequent to ignore. I find it hard to focus on anything at work. I am normally a happy cheerful person and J is the one with this kinda problem. It's incredibly frustrating.
So what to do?
Guess I"ll find out.
There are a few medications like Effexor or Pristiq I could try for this that don't interact with my tamoxifen so I have 1 or 2 options that way, but a part of me just doesn't want to take medication any more. I am trying vitamin D and exercise for now. More pills doesn't seem like the answer. But...BUT the rest of me knows that if I have to take this drug for 10 damn years then I need to deal with this if it's going to be an issue and effect my life like this...because I don't like feeling this way. I did not fight for my life to have it be like this. Maybe I just need a bit of help for a while...?
Have any of you felt this way? Dealt with this? Have any natural supplements you could suggest? I've heard magnesium can help... It may be TMI but this blog is my sounding board for me to write out my thoughts and try and solidify things for me...so you're getting this too. Sorry.
Not Sorry.
I've really been working to stay active and exercise. My food isn't always great since I medicate my moods with food and lately they haven't been great. I've actually gained a few pounds while trying to get fit, but I'm reminding myself it's probably just muscles (I hope). I'm trying not to drink as a diversion and get out to do things with J and friends that I know I will enjoy. I'm doing what I can...I think. It's not all gloom. Just sometimes...and those times are more often than they should be.
We'll see...
Turn turn turn
My bus was a bit early today so I got to the gym in time to try their tuesday morning morning spin class...so I took a deep breath and tried it before I could chicken out. It was with Mel, my favourite old crazy instructor whose classes I used to love back before I was diagnosed. She's hard core. Yup - the fact that this was the first spin class since I started chemo so long ago was on my mind today. And you know what? I'm seat sore but I didn't die! :P
I mentioned to Mel beforehand that I was recovering from a surgery and would try not to slack, but needed to watch myself and be aware of my restrictions. I wanted her to know why I wasn't doing the pushups she does before class and might have to pull back if it's too much - didn't want to go into too crazy of details...just left it at that and pushed hard and rested when I needed to...and really enjoyed it. It was tough, yes, but afterwards I felt amazing. After class I did some leg lifts, butt raises and a few other ab things and called it a very good workout indeed. Perhaps I shall try to do this every tuesday. It certainly was a good start. I feel upbeat and content. It's been a while. If this is what I need to get here I'll do it.
It feels good to feel good and push myself and sweat. For the first day in a while I am excited to see what else today has to offer. I have a haircut and colour after work today and then it's a trek to get us our groceries...so here's hoping for a fabulous day.
Yes. Let's do it Rockapella.
It feels good to feel good and push myself and sweat. For the first day in a while I am excited to see what else today has to offer. I have a haircut and colour after work today and then it's a trek to get us our groceries...so here's hoping for a fabulous day.
Yes. Let's do it Rockapella.
A bit odd
I am torn between being a lazy sod and going hard core this last 3 weeks. Anywhere in between just feels like slacking, so I'd rather enjoy myself.
I have so much going on my life and I'd rather enjoy it...but I also don't want to feel uncomfortable in the summer and if I do my best then I should be content with whatever I am then. I am already a bit uncomfortable with my physique.
*sigh*
I just wanna work out hard core...but I can't yet. So I think hey - why not popcorn and beer?
I've gotta meet myself half way here...and I can't seem to find a balance. I eat for comfort so my relationship with food is not particularly normal...it doesn't help. Even thinking about it this much annoys me.
What's it like to be a regular person for whom food is just fuel?
For me it's deliciousness that I thoroughly enjoy. A lot.
Ah well...
I am hoping more vitamin D will help my mood.
We shall see.
At the moment it is a bit odd I must admit...
*sigh*
I just wanna work out hard core...but I can't yet. So I think hey - why not popcorn and beer?
I've gotta meet myself half way here...and I can't seem to find a balance. I eat for comfort so my relationship with food is not particularly normal...it doesn't help. Even thinking about it this much annoys me.
What's it like to be a regular person for whom food is just fuel?
For me it's deliciousness that I thoroughly enjoy. A lot.
Ah well...
I am hoping more vitamin D will help my mood.
We shall see.
At the moment it is a bit odd I must admit...
Well how about that
It's been a weird week. Up. Down. Side to side.
I'm trying to be healthy and get in my exercise to make the most of my last month before I have to sit on my ass again for a month (sigh). Actually it's not that bad. I can walk. I'm hoping I can keep at it and be consistent. I've noticed I am getting stronger and can do more reps so that is cool. Next week I am moving up from 5Lb to 8Lb weights with my physio and will go out for a run on wednesday mornings (if the weather isn't sucktastic - if it is I'll head into the gym and use the treadmill). Or maybe I'll try some PIIT.
I am quite glad at a recent opportunity that came up at work. My Master's work was on immunohistochemistry related to breast cancer and breast cancer markers. This is how they see if you're receptor positive or not and determine your treatment. For many years I've waited for my former supervisor to publish my work (outside my thesis) and haven't had any luck. A breast cancer researcher here who is funded by the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (who I've been doing a run for to rais $$ for many years) wants me to use my work with him. My boss is OK with me doing a little side research so I get to do it!
!!!!!
This certainly helps me mentally when I get down and wonder just what I'm actually doing that's useful with my life that I fought for. It's fabulous. I hope hope hope it works out well for me.
Meep.
I'm trying to be healthy and get in my exercise to make the most of my last month before I have to sit on my ass again for a month (sigh). Actually it's not that bad. I can walk. I'm hoping I can keep at it and be consistent. I've noticed I am getting stronger and can do more reps so that is cool. Next week I am moving up from 5Lb to 8Lb weights with my physio and will go out for a run on wednesday mornings (if the weather isn't sucktastic - if it is I'll head into the gym and use the treadmill). Or maybe I'll try some PIIT.
I am quite glad at a recent opportunity that came up at work. My Master's work was on immunohistochemistry related to breast cancer and breast cancer markers. This is how they see if you're receptor positive or not and determine your treatment. For many years I've waited for my former supervisor to publish my work (outside my thesis) and haven't had any luck. A breast cancer researcher here who is funded by the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (who I've been doing a run for to rais $$ for many years) wants me to use my work with him. My boss is OK with me doing a little side research so I get to do it!
!!!!!
This certainly helps me mentally when I get down and wonder just what I'm actually doing that's useful with my life that I fought for. It's fabulous. I hope hope hope it works out well for me.
Meep.
Happy Easter
 |
| I don't get it...are they going to eat the bird? How um...festive? |
Sheesh. There be some wierd people out there...
Anyhoo...
Happy Easter all of you fine peoples. Whether you celebrate the religious or the pagan holiday (or just use the time to be off work, eat delicious food and chocolate eggs) I wish you all a fine weekend with family and friends. I plan to eat a big mennonite easter lunch tomorrow and then relax all weekend celebrating a friend's birthday and seeing how many mini eggs I can fit in my mouth at one time.
It's good to have goals.
Fort Neufeldo
I had a great weekend. Rejuvenating and cathartic.
J is building structures for the summer for outdoors out of pipe and built one in our living room as a proof of concept and we ended up keeping it for the weekend and turning it into a blanket fort. SO much fun. We filled it with pillows and spent the weekend in it reading and relaxing and drinking wine. The cats assumed we built it just for them and have been living in there non-stop since we put it up. I think they'll be sad when we tear it down this week.
Lately I've been good health-wise physically, but mentally it's been tough. Not sadness so much as detachment. I have found myself distracted and less than enthusiastic about work and trying not to worry too much about my upcoming surgery. It's a minor one in comparison, but it's just one more thing to go through before I'm done. Another reminder of what I've been through. Am still going through. J and I talked a lot...(what would I do without that man? I just don't know) Sometime you just need to let out your stress and worry so you can get back to being normal again. Living daily with the thought of possible reoccurrence in the back of your head is a very difficult thing. You worry...but yet there is nothing you can do about it so you have to try and shut it off and focus on the positive things...but then sometimes other things get dulled as well and it impacts your daily life. It's always there, poking at you when you least expect it. It's one of the reasons why I've been enjoying more physical exercise because it's a physical meditation where I can focus on music because when I often quiet my mind this comes to the front of it...and sometimes I'm just damn tired of it all. I hadn't realized just how much it was getting to me until this weekend. Nothing has changed per se, but just talking about it...allowing myself to feel it and address the feelings helped me get a bit of my soul back from the worry monster and feel better.
It also helped that I have some new duds to wear so I feel more confident. I haven't really bought any new clothes since before I got sick since I keep changing sizes but I'm close to settling in to my "regular" size again. This weekend My bestie and I went to a local clothes swap and it was great...not only did we get to go out for brunch and visit first but I got rid of some things I no longer wear and came home with a seriously amazing stash of new clothes. I have about 8 pairs of pants (skinny jeans and cords and a few capris) and some nice shirts for work. I also grabbed a nice pair of boots like ones I've been trying to find for a while and a pair of ski pants that fit me (my old pair are from my bigger days and are HUGE so this is pretty damn cool). I even found a floor length black dress that fits me perfectly...so now I need to go out somewhere swanky where I can wear it. :) All told I probably brought home about $700 of clothes for free...I love community clothes swaps. I've been to a few now and it's a great way to have clothes re-purposed and do it on a budget. My bestie is in the midst of losing baby fat so for her it was a great way to get some clothes for her to transition into and not pay an arm and a leg for new non-maternity clothes. I was feeling frumpy and I have some really nice fitting stylish pants now...all those squats I've been doing are starting to pay off. I'm feeling very happy with how I look in the new pants which is a huge boost. I often don't take the time to look after myself...this weekend was a reminder to do this more. I don't know about you but I find when I dress up a bit in clothes I feel good in I generally have a better day.
We finished off the evening with BBQ burgers and watching the new Pee-Wee Herman movie on Netflix. I giggled like a little kid...it was great. If you liked the original move years ago then definitely watch it. I went to bed with a smile on my face.
:)
J is building structures for the summer for outdoors out of pipe and built one in our living room as a proof of concept and we ended up keeping it for the weekend and turning it into a blanket fort. SO much fun. We filled it with pillows and spent the weekend in it reading and relaxing and drinking wine. The cats assumed we built it just for them and have been living in there non-stop since we put it up. I think they'll be sad when we tear it down this week.
Lately I've been good health-wise physically, but mentally it's been tough. Not sadness so much as detachment. I have found myself distracted and less than enthusiastic about work and trying not to worry too much about my upcoming surgery. It's a minor one in comparison, but it's just one more thing to go through before I'm done. Another reminder of what I've been through. Am still going through. J and I talked a lot...(what would I do without that man? I just don't know) Sometime you just need to let out your stress and worry so you can get back to being normal again. Living daily with the thought of possible reoccurrence in the back of your head is a very difficult thing. You worry...but yet there is nothing you can do about it so you have to try and shut it off and focus on the positive things...but then sometimes other things get dulled as well and it impacts your daily life. It's always there, poking at you when you least expect it. It's one of the reasons why I've been enjoying more physical exercise because it's a physical meditation where I can focus on music because when I often quiet my mind this comes to the front of it...and sometimes I'm just damn tired of it all. I hadn't realized just how much it was getting to me until this weekend. Nothing has changed per se, but just talking about it...allowing myself to feel it and address the feelings helped me get a bit of my soul back from the worry monster and feel better.
It also helped that I have some new duds to wear so I feel more confident. I haven't really bought any new clothes since before I got sick since I keep changing sizes but I'm close to settling in to my "regular" size again. This weekend My bestie and I went to a local clothes swap and it was great...not only did we get to go out for brunch and visit first but I got rid of some things I no longer wear and came home with a seriously amazing stash of new clothes. I have about 8 pairs of pants (skinny jeans and cords and a few capris) and some nice shirts for work. I also grabbed a nice pair of boots like ones I've been trying to find for a while and a pair of ski pants that fit me (my old pair are from my bigger days and are HUGE so this is pretty damn cool). I even found a floor length black dress that fits me perfectly...so now I need to go out somewhere swanky where I can wear it. :) All told I probably brought home about $700 of clothes for free...I love community clothes swaps. I've been to a few now and it's a great way to have clothes re-purposed and do it on a budget. My bestie is in the midst of losing baby fat so for her it was a great way to get some clothes for her to transition into and not pay an arm and a leg for new non-maternity clothes. I was feeling frumpy and I have some really nice fitting stylish pants now...all those squats I've been doing are starting to pay off. I'm feeling very happy with how I look in the new pants which is a huge boost. I often don't take the time to look after myself...this weekend was a reminder to do this more. I don't know about you but I find when I dress up a bit in clothes I feel good in I generally have a better day.
We finished off the evening with BBQ burgers and watching the new Pee-Wee Herman movie on Netflix. I giggled like a little kid...it was great. If you liked the original move years ago then definitely watch it. I went to bed with a smile on my face.
:)
Slow and Steady
Hiya. Sorry I'm not here much. Just enjoying things and busy. I'm trying to cut back time on the computer where I am wasting time I could be doing real stuff so my blog and facebook have been cut back some lately.
I seem to have a good rhythm with this weeks fitness. MWF physio with my walk to work added in and tuesday/thursday gym workouts of lower body and some cardio. If I could get my eating a little more in line I think I can really make a change by my April surgery. I have been feeling pretty jiggly lately and this exercise helpe me feel more like I'm in control of my health instead of just reacting and recovering...Starting April I plan to go in to the gym on wednesday morning too for more intense cardio with my physio......there is something about going to a place to workout that makes me work harder...I mean I made myself get there I might as well do something right? I suppose I could work out how to do it at home too. I will have to see. If I could get some different weights, an equalizer bar and maybe a sandbag for home I could really have a good gym and just workout at home...but one of the perks of my job is free gym membership so I don't mind using it. I like free.
I've been snacking more than necessary lately and eating huge portions of delicious things ...which is yummy, and probably just from increasing my activity, but I am trying to get myself in good base shape again before my surgery at the end of April so that when I take a month off until ~ mid-June when I can exercise again and am out in the sunshine in shorts and tank tops this summer I won't feel too jiggly and self conscious. I don't need to be totally ripped, but I don't want to waste any time worrying about whether my clothes fit me properly and being uncomfortable- Life is too short for that. Plus I can't afford to buy new summer clothes so I'm gonna work to build up muscle tone and strength. I'd love to just dive into the Insanity workout again (that whipped me into shape pretty quick) but I MUST be patient. Slow and steady. Infuriatingly slow but very very necessary. Too fast = lymphedema which you NEVER get rid of once you develop... so I am going to continue at my current rate. I keep reminding myself that this is my whole life and that I'll get there. I am working at it and that is the most important part. I already feel stronger in my arms, back and legs and I know if I keep at it and make an effort I can be as healthy as I can be and have a not too jiggly arse. After April I am hopeful that I will not have to have any more surgery (crossing all available appendages) and can just get back to living my damn life already.
Yes indeed.
Life.
Yay.
I seem to have a good rhythm with this weeks fitness. MWF physio with my walk to work added in and tuesday/thursday gym workouts of lower body and some cardio. If I could get my eating a little more in line I think I can really make a change by my April surgery. I have been feeling pretty jiggly lately and this exercise helpe me feel more like I'm in control of my health instead of just reacting and recovering...Starting April I plan to go in to the gym on wednesday morning too for more intense cardio with my physio......there is something about going to a place to workout that makes me work harder...I mean I made myself get there I might as well do something right? I suppose I could work out how to do it at home too. I will have to see. If I could get some different weights, an equalizer bar and maybe a sandbag for home I could really have a good gym and just workout at home...but one of the perks of my job is free gym membership so I don't mind using it. I like free.
I've been snacking more than necessary lately and eating huge portions of delicious things ...which is yummy, and probably just from increasing my activity, but I am trying to get myself in good base shape again before my surgery at the end of April so that when I take a month off until ~ mid-June when I can exercise again and am out in the sunshine in shorts and tank tops this summer I won't feel too jiggly and self conscious. I don't need to be totally ripped, but I don't want to waste any time worrying about whether my clothes fit me properly and being uncomfortable- Life is too short for that. Plus I can't afford to buy new summer clothes so I'm gonna work to build up muscle tone and strength. I'd love to just dive into the Insanity workout again (that whipped me into shape pretty quick) but I MUST be patient. Slow and steady. Infuriatingly slow but very very necessary. Too fast = lymphedema which you NEVER get rid of once you develop... so I am going to continue at my current rate. I keep reminding myself that this is my whole life and that I'll get there. I am working at it and that is the most important part. I already feel stronger in my arms, back and legs and I know if I keep at it and make an effort I can be as healthy as I can be and have a not too jiggly arse. After April I am hopeful that I will not have to have any more surgery (crossing all available appendages) and can just get back to living my damn life already.
Yes indeed.
Life.
Yay.
So far so good
Mmmm. Sushi. I just met a friend for lunch and had sushi. Yum.
It's been a good busy week or so. Work is fun. Home is good. The house is super messy and I've started working on cleaning and decluttering it bit by bit each day to make a dent in things...courage.
I've been good and done my physio and walked to work monday wednesday and friday and going in to the gym to do lower body work and elliptical or running tuesday and thursday mornings. Just saw my physiotherapist this morning and she says my range of motion is great and my strength is progressing well. I've got a few new things to do and a few things not to do and I can keep building up strength for the next few months. Yes. Good job everyone.
I'm happy to know that my my swap out surgery date to get my implants and my other breast matching the new one is set- April 25. Hopefully that's the last major surgery I need. Then i can work on healing up and getting back to full strength for good. Here's to that.
It's been a good busy week or so. Work is fun. Home is good. The house is super messy and I've started working on cleaning and decluttering it bit by bit each day to make a dent in things...courage.
I've been good and done my physio and walked to work monday wednesday and friday and going in to the gym to do lower body work and elliptical or running tuesday and thursday mornings. Just saw my physiotherapist this morning and she says my range of motion is great and my strength is progressing well. I've got a few new things to do and a few things not to do and I can keep building up strength for the next few months. Yes. Good job everyone.
I'm happy to know that my my swap out surgery date to get my implants and my other breast matching the new one is set- April 25. Hopefully that's the last major surgery I need. Then i can work on healing up and getting back to full strength for good. Here's to that.
Boom!
But......I. Want. More.
I got a few sideways curious glances while changing and showering but I honestly don't mind. It's to be expected. I have some pretty unusual scars and it's not every day you see someone without a nipple. And you know what? I wear them all with pride. I earned them all and it's a helluva story to tell if anyone ever asks. I mean, I'd be curious too back before this all happened if I saw something like them. I'm not gonna hide under a towel or cringe or change how I act or feel. Life's too short for that kinda stuff. I'm working to be strong and healthy, whatever the new me can be. I'm proud of my body, flaws and all. :)
At any rate - I should.get to it. I have a highly disappointing butternut squash saag curry for lunch. It looked so good as a recipe...but it's pretty bland. It *is* healthy tho, so I'll finish it up. I have to get groceries tonight so that'll eat up most of the evening. BUT... my J gets home late tonight. Man, I miss him. It's the little things you know? The every day things. My best friend will be home soon. Hooray.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)