Tuesday, September 5, 2017

boundaries

"And her sky was just a bandit hanging at the end of a hangman's noose
Because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it.

And her friends said 'my that's tragic'
And she said 'especially for the moon'

And this is the world as best as I can remember it."

These lyrics have been floating around in my head the past few days from an old favorite song of mine. It is how I feel right now...

this week's hard learned lesson for me

For the last week since we got home from holidays J and I have been in a trial separation.

His behavior and actions have shown that he is not well. After a giant fight he decided to initiate this and told me things were over. Although he is now calm, remorseful and apologetic and I am not ready to go home yet...and he does not understand why. While it was initiated by him I have become the devil because I am not wanting to just let it go, come home and work on this together as a close and loving couple because I do not think he is well and has not yet gotten help.  I do not think it is right for me...and I just can't yet. Until I feel confident enough to do so and until some concrete things are decided between us about his getting treatment, what issues really matter for me and a plan of how we will work with each other on each of our issues during that time I don't think I should. This will take a long time...and we have all the time in our life to fix it if it can be. I have gone back and forgiven the past too many times to just let it go...I have to look after myself now. I have set boundaries...and am being forced to maintain them. I have refused to be manipulated or guilted into doing what is not right for me and am trying to be strong for what I need. It is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I've done a lot of hard things in my life.

It's terrible...but I am still hopeful. Because I still love him, no matter what he thinks. I know he loves me. It remains to be seen if he will understand and be willing to put in the work to try to fix this or step back instead. Whatever happens I ultimately just want him to get help. I have a wonderful and supportive family and circle of friends who are supportive of me so I feel as tho I am doing what is right.

I hope so...I can go home for a bit today for a few days while he is out of town and hug my cats. Maybe I will stay. Maybe not.


My holidays were mostly amazing though...saw the Orb and Soohan play and J did lasers for them and kicked ass - I've never been so proud. I did science as part of a national harm reduction pilot study. I camped with friends in Oregon and saw a full solar eclipse at the most amazing festival I have ever been to. I laughed with my friends and danced under the stars. Not all bad...but it just ended badly. So very badly.


For now I'll settle for a good night's sleep. Only had 1 since I got home...