Monday, June 26, 2017

One of these things is not like the other...

Hi.
It's been a while I know. Just haven't felt like posting for many reasons.
Things are good. And bad. And good. And...well have a seat and I'll catch you up. :)

I'm healing up well from my surgery - it's been 4 weeks now and other than some sensitivity and a few scabs on my incision I'm healing up well. The surgeon took the extra skin off my reconstructed breast and made it smoother and better and the fat grafting has really helped fill in some dents. It's now way perkier than my other breast, so I'll have to have the other one lifted to match-sometime in the late fall I am going back to see my surgeon to plan that out. One more fat grafting session is needed (your body reabsorbs about half the fat they put in) so my once perfect round breasts that have receded a bit will be more rounded and plumped out a bit to match the raised one. No folds and cracks though - it's amazing. Apparently my reconstructed breast implant had ripped out of it's constructed pocket and moved out of place and once it was repaired and restored during the surgery my breast was a lot higher again - plus once the flap of thicker skin from my back was removed to make a more aesthetically pleasing breast it's a bit smaller and higher now as well. Nip and tuck and nip and tuck. Sigh. So, it was good he went in there after all it seems. He asked about doing a lift at the same time literally 10 minutes before the surgery but I just couldn't decide on that short of notice. But - it does look better...and as frustrating as it was at first to see that it is necessary to do so, it's just one more surgery then. It'll better match the foob too with time to heal - about 6 months is best for everything to settle into place. Just one more. I can do that. I'll have the boobs of a 20 year old I tell ya...

The sites on my outer thighs where the fat grafting was taken from was really painful though - I had bruising that was absolutely spectacular. I didn't know you could get that purple. I matched my dark purple hoodie all along the outside of my things - altho I was glad it wan't my bum or sitting would have been nasty.. Thankfully with rest and lots of arnica cream (makes a world of difference!!) the bruising is gone now  - just a bit sensitive to pressure where they dug around and made things even again, but that's fading. The saddlebags on my outer thighs that I've always disliked are gone...so bonus for that I suppose. I was worried I'd look all odd or lumpy, but it looks fine. 10 points for my surgeon. I was back at work, albeit tender and sitting on pillows, a week after surgery. The princess and the pea for sure. :)

I still can't work out vigorously for another 3-4 weeks although walking and riding a bike is OK now so I've started walking to work again. I can get back to squats and lunges this week gently, but no ab or upper body work for at least another 2-3 weeks to make sure that my chest heals up well and the repaired implant pocket stays healed.  I've had to wear an underwire bra 24/7 (must for 6 weeks after surgery) and sleep on my back, but I've getting better. Not the best sleep, but compared to previous major surgeries this was a lot better. So physically - I'm on the mend. I plan to hike in the mountains with a friend this weekend - and I will be recovered enough to do that so I cam very pleased. She's preggers so I figure we can keep up with each other.

My home life on the other hand? Well...lets just say things have been better. J has a lot of things he needs to deal with in his own mind and he has slowly been turning into a different person over the last year or so. Not a bad person ...but someone different...that I can't seem to communicate with on the same level anymore. Our bad days are outnumbering the good days lately, and after yet another weekend of tears and discussion I am starting to wonder. I love him dearly...well who he used to be dearly...but if he doesn't try to get help with his issues and the person he used to be that I fell in love with is really gone ...well, then ...because this new person...is not good for me. For us. Suffice it to say that this summer is going to be filled with a lot of thinking and introspection on my part. I don't want to start putting my thoughts into this direction...but I am forcing myself to be honest and really look at my life. I can't pretend anymore that we're happy and am going to see a counselor to work on my own issues and look at the things that I am bringing into our relationship that need work - I want to find out what is best for both of us. I can't fix him. Just me. And it's not all me...so it's not simple. I just know that I didn't fight my way back to health to be miserable. I'm not saying I'm miserable all the time - far from it. We have our lovely and fun times and that is what I am fighting for. It's just...well...it's complicated. We've been together over 20 years. Ironically he finally got his matching arm tattoo 3 weeks ago...his version of a wedding ring after all these years. I know he still loves me...and I want to hope that things can be fixed I really do. Yet a lot of it isn't up to me. I don't even know where to begin...but I've said enough - our of respect for him and our years together I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here and choose to treat him with respect. Suffice it to say that we are the epitome of the Facebook relationship status - "it's complicated". I truly hope love is enough...

Well now that I've brought you down I want to just say this - don't worry about me. Life has it's ups and downs and there is much much more to do and see and experience in life. I'm still here. Now that I'm not in survival mode I really am choosing to look at my life and see just where things are. For me. For my happiness. If other people aren't going to I have to...what *I* want and need. I'm only 43...and I've got a lot of living to do -I hope for good things. We shall see. I have many good friends who love me. I have my health and I intend to keep it. So I am far better than many others...It's a start. :)

Happy monday my interweb friends. Have a good week  OK?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

I wanna be sedated

Tomorrow is the day. 2:30 PM. Nervous but excited.
I've cooked up a bunch of meat for tacos and prepped some veggies for snacking and tonight with supper I'll cook up another thing or two to warm up and we should be good for a while until I feel better and want to make things. J is rather kitchen challenged, so he can do lunches, but I am planning ahead or he'll just order in pizza all the time. My stomach will not like that so I'm trying to be healthy.

Since I can't eat or drink before surgery and I work with the health region I am going to go into work and keep busy until I have to shuttle over to City Hospital for surgery. It's been crazy trying to get everything done knowing I'll be off a week. I hope I feel reasonably OK after a week when I go back...I have no idea. I may not be walking to work for a while...

I've been getting in solid workouts all week and had a fun weekend away with friends at a mini-festival J did lights and lasers at so I feel like I'm ready. Compared to all the other things this seems rather simple...

We shall see. I'll check in when I'm home and medicated.
Later taters :)

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Here we go


So.
How's things?
It's all sorts of good here.
There was a cancellation, so I am booked to go in for my fat grafting surgery next friday afternoon on the 26th for a day surgery. It's actually about as perfectly scheduled into my life as possible so as to not impact my summer, so I'm very pleased. I could do without the soreness and being off work a week, but hopefully I'll heal up pretty quick. I just have to decide if I want to let him do some scar revision when I'm under too...it would mean a bit more healing, but at this point if I'm gonna let them suck fat out and move it somewhere else I figure I should let them do everything they can to make the skin on top look good too Yes it would be a bit more skin healing, but maybe it's better in the long run. I may just tell him to do what he feels is best and see what I have when I wake up :)

I was hoping to have more time to dial in my fitness a get more fit and have been munching back on the few pounds I worked so hard to lose previously over the last few weeks, but over all I've been healthy and other than a bit of jiggle I am strong, so I know I will be OK. I just have this irrational fear of losing the fat that I am having relocated later, but what is will be I guess. I am hoping I can go for walks with the weather getting better during recovery so even if I can't work out for about a month or so I will be able to walk and be relatively OK for the hike I am planning in the mountains in July. My friend Terra who I will be hiking with will be preggers so I will be able to take it easy anyways! Summer should be easy, and although I really don't have spare holidays since I have things booked up it is really nice to be looking forward to summer.

J has been busy working to build a stage for a spring music festival with his friends - that is coming up this weekend and I've had lots of time to relax and spend with family while he's been away working here and there. I have had some time by myself and am trying to use it to catch up on things around the house and get back on track with what I need to get done this summer. J still has issues sometimes, but with lots to work on it's helped immensely. Still working to build better communication. There is love and I will continue to try to stand up for me and what is important to me and try to build us up stronger.

I went up to see my dad this past weekend at the lake and had a great time visiting. We went to my mum's grave on mother's day and brought here a bunch of red carnations (her favourite) and then had lunch before I came home - I was so glad to be able to think about mum on mother's day. It rained all day until right before we got to the graveyard where the sun shone and the birds sang for us for a bit.  I don't get to see my dad enough so it was really a great visit. I hope I can get there again soon.

Dad & I :)

Have a great week everyone. I'm off to tabata class and then I have a date with my living room to get some chores done. Cheers!


Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Nothing is everything

I am over the moon. I finally went to see the "best breast" guy in Saskatoon about my fat grafting to finish up my breast reconstruction. It took months to get in to see him...and he spent a lot of time with me answering questions and then told me that my best bet would actually be to go back to my original plastic surgeon because he had far more experience in what i need done. I liked the guys so if he's recommended to me then I was happy to go back to him - so I called up their office and he fit me in right away for a consult that week.
I went to see him this thursday morning before I left for the weekend for the comic convention with my friend Heather in Calgary (Which was SO much fun. Visited my sister. Got geeky. It was cool....another post for that I think...gotta show my geeky pictures!!). I'd been psyching myself up for the surgery and all that and Dr. Laliberte said that he could definitely help me even things out although it might take two goes at it to get the best results (ugh) but that recovery time as about a week, so it wouldn't be too bad. He remembered me and chatted with me a bit and answered all my questions. He really cares about his patients and it shows.
And then I sucked it up and asked him to hit me with the cost and he said ...."nothing". I blinked and probably looked like a fish out of water and said "excuse me?" and he said "It's nothing. I donate my time and cover the costs for this because I firmly believe that this should be a part of treatment recovery so I am making sure that it is done at no cost to you." I was in tears as I thanked him and signed my papers. All systems are go.
So I'm on the wait list for it now - I'm hoping to get it done before the end of June, but if not then I will ask to have it in the fall after my summer adventures. Yup. It's happening...and it's free. I am stunned to be honest.

I am truly blessed to have the caring team I do looking after me. Crossing my fingers there is a cancellation and I van get fit in right away!! :)

Thursday, April 20, 2017

a fungus among us

I can't focus today. I forgot my brain pills. J woke up in a sad mood and offered to walk to work with me which you would think would be a good thing but ended up in a long talk about issues he has been having lately and me hearing about all the things I've done that haven't helped. A nice happy start to my day...sigh. I am glad we could talk in a safe place and discuss things but it's hard to take that first thing in the morning.  Scattered and focusing on sad things. Great say so far...not.

After waiting to see a dermatologist about the stupid rash I got in the Radium hot springs back in fall of last year (yeah...delays for non-critical things are ridiculous) I have finally had my appointment with her. I have (I hope) a cream to make the fungal things from the pool go away. I am also glad to hear that it is not any kind of weird cancer thing. I have read that her2+ cancer can come back as a skin cancer and was secretly paranoid that maybe this was that since it hadn't gone away fully after all this time...but the doc I saw assured me it was not. She (sadly) has seen that occur and knows what it looks like...and I am not dealing with that. So there is that -I am not suffering from some bizarre and rare skin cancer. I've never been so happy to have a fungal infection in my life.

But I shoudl go and try and work. J has offered to bring me my brain pills and some coffee money and a hug. Maybe I can salvage this day after all.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

I feel like a snake

My brows have entered the peeling uneven color healing stage...I am so curious to see the intensity of the final color on my brows and if I need a touch up. My left brow has a few places peeling...and it looks way lighter under...so it's patchy. I am unsure if it will stay that color under once the rest peels or if that is how it will be or if the color will come back a bit as it heals. Apparently it'll take about 6 weeks to settle in color wise. I have no idea and everyone heals up differently, so I have to wait and see. She said she went lighter and that it would heal up lighter than the initial tattoo so that if I wanted a touch up with darker color we could touch it up since you can't go backwards...It makes sense, but I have come to like the darkness (muahahaha...that just sounds so emo) so I suspect I'll be back for a darker touch up.

It's very amusing to see people who don't know me try to not look at my face and pretend they aren't looking at things as they talk...before it was like they knew something was different and couldn't put their finger on it. Now it's cuz they're sort of peeling and don't look very even anymore...it was like when I was bald and people were all faux nonchalant about it. I don't mind talking about it after everything I've been through but people assume I don't want to. It's amusing. Social experiments are fun :P

It's fracking itchy tho. Overwhelmingly so. I have been really good at not rubbing or scratching and I am not touching it, other than to put lotion on occasionally. I just wanna see the final version!!!

Tonight I'm going to go over to a new friend's for supper. Girl supper. Working to cultivate friendships with people I admire. J is also going out with another group of friends since an old friend is in town jsut for the weekend and is getting together with people tonight...I don't know him as well so hopefully he doesn't take it personally. J is looking forward to it and is happy to be invited out with people. Trying to find a balance between building new friendships and keeping old ones...especially with J.

So much to learn.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

You have no idea of the power of the dark side

Tabata  class last night was fun. I signed up for another summer term with the community association on tuesdays -really like the class. I haven't  done any exercise for over a week though so I am a bit stiff today. This AM I did some upper body weights and some squats. I'm trying to be good. I need to workout more regularly again. Last week was a bad week and I needed my sleep, but this week is much better. I'm not supposed to sweat a lot while my tattoo heals but there is still lots I can do.

And..it turrns out this weekend is Easter, which I totally forgot, so hey - long weekend! Just have to make it through 2 more workdays. Not going any where this weekend either, except maybe to J's grandma's for dinner but that isn't a province away...seems like I haven't been home for a while in ofrever. Lots of little things to do - dad brought the cupboard he made for the kitchen when he was here for his hand surgery yesterday and I also need to paint the kitcehn ceiling (the part we patched when we took out the chimney is a different color and I need to do the whole ceiling...and I hate ceilings so I've been ignoring it...) once I do J can replace the light fixtures in it. The fixtures in there suck and eat bulbs and we've been not replacing them as they burn out, thinking that we would defintiely do it as it got darker and more annoyed - haha! It was to be my christmas gift...and we all know how well that time of year went...so it's not yet looked after. Finally home for a bit with us both in a better frame of mind, so we're starting to notice all this kind of thing again. Little did we know just how stubbornly we can ignore shit (my ADD knows no bounds for some things like this...) and give in to the dark side...but by the weekend we will have lights in the kitchen other than the range hood and a lamp we put on top of the fridge (yes I know we're pathetic). About damn time.

I keep staring at my new eyebrows. The lines are softening like the artist said they would and they still look good. I'm trying to put lotion on them when I need to - although I am paranoid about vaseline now since everyone I know who is a tattoo artist says to avoid it like a plague since  it can cause ink to fade or smear...the home care sheet I have says put on a light layer of vaseline before bed and then vitamin E lotion or vaseline a few times a day, especially if they are itchy (which is all the time...gah). I have some good unscented lotion with vitamin E from radiation therapy that I'm going to keep putting on them during the day. I just want them to heal up well - just being my paranoid little self. It's like I expect to wake up and suddenly find a huge smear on my face or that the ink has all blended to gether or something. Right now they just look like normal brows that have had a bit of poweder added to fill them in, which I am totally happy with. I liked the crisp lines of individual hairs but was warned that will feather a bit (and it has, but still looks fine) so I may get a touch up for that, but I can't wait until they are healed to see just what they will finally look like. I sleep on my side with my face smooshed in a pillow and i have been forcing myself to sleep on my back the last few days...I can do it but it's not as restful.

Anyhoo...just wanted to say hi. I should go get some work done, since I have one less day this week to get things done. Have a great hump day.
Cheers!