Wednesday, November 29, 2017

A work in progress

Hi. How are you all doing out there in interweb land?

Me? Really good. Thanks for asking heheh

But really though - the last little while has been really good. J has been getting some help and we have been slowly working on things and our home is a really positive environment right now. J has been working more doing lights for a local business and is feeling better. I am working to be more honest and we are trying to build a new more positive relationship. So far so good. I am optimistic and working to stay true to myself as we do this. Every day is new and every day is a chance for change.

I am getting back to fitness too which is encouraging. On my maritime holiday I ate on about 10 lb and was starting to eat away my stress the last while. Having a healthy outlet for my stress is helpful too...and it boosts my mood. The family holiday was so amazing. I've been focusing on my life lately and never did post any photos did I? Here's a few...it was lovely.

All of us at Green Gables, PEI

Sailing in Cape Breton

Cheticamp, Nova Scotia
Eating healthy and getting regular sleep and exercise is helping both J and I feel better so we can work to be better I am also working on making myself healthier. Buying bigger pants is not a solution  after decadent (and lazy) holidays- I know consistent healthy living is .:)

It started out this way -a coworker who needs stress release wanted to go to some yoga classes offered on the campus where I work so I started to go with her mondays and fridays too, cuz lord knows I also need a stress release. I've always wanted to try yoga and I have found that I am really enjoying it. Then we tried a few other classes too and although we both got quite stiff for a bit from some of them, we've made it through the worst of it and we are trying to go to a few classes each week together on a regular basis - having a workout buddy helps us both. I am trying to set up a good schedule for me around this. I am finding getting up early every morning to workout at home to be a lot harder than it was right now - don't know if it's the dark of winter or just me listening to my body more and giving it the rest it needs. Instead of giving up, I'm working around it.
So.... I'm shifting my schedule to this for a while to see how it goes to get more active again. Instead of going whole hog and getting crazy about it I trying to find a more zen balance. I want to move away from hardcore HIIT and respect the surgical work I've had done without using it as excuse to not workout...just work on being strong and healthy- I have one more surgery in February that I need to be healthy and strong for and so I am working on being back in better shape (again...sigh) for then. Since the final surgical work being done is largely plastic surgery I will need to be a healthy normal (for me) weight for it to get the best long lasting results. The thing is, even with fat grafting you don't gain weight on a fake boob - just the real one, so having my real one be the "real" size it is will help lift it and reduce it a bit and best make it match the foob (who is now affectionately named Frankie....think Frankenstein...yeah morbid humor...ahem).  If I'm gonna go under the knife again I want it to be worth it. I'm tired of it all and while I want to do what I can to make it look as good as I can there is a point where I am just so DONE. My doc feels after this last time he'll have done all he can for me so it's a good time to stop and just get on with my life. Then I can get some pretty tattoos over those scars too :)

When winter is evil it's too cold for my regular walks to work, so I have a need to find other ways to be active. I still walk when weather permits, but that is less and less now. Since a 6 am bus to work gets me to the campus gym 10 minutes before the 6:35 exercise classes start I have a few options for some morning workouts, although I don't think I want to do them every day. It means me getting up at 530 - that can wear me down. With my bosses approval there are some fitness classes right after work and on my lunch break I can work into my schedule now too, so I have a few options besides home workouts (which just aren't happening right now tbh). Right now I need someone else to push me. Since I have the luxury of being able to alter my work hours a bit to accommodate classes I can come in early or stay late as long as I put in my time.. Free admission to the fitness center on campus where I work and is a part of my job benefits, so I might as well use them! I don't want to give up my evenings to this - I want it to fit into my day and just be a part of life, along with less beer and snackycakes and more veggies.

Here's my plan I've started this week:
Monday :a 1 hour lunchtime dragon yoga class - half strength poses and half yin poses
Tuesday- morning spin class before work
Wednesday -spin and sculpt or PiYo class right after work
Thursday- morning spin class before work
Friday - a 1 hour lunchtime restorative yoga class - stretching, and strength poses
Weekend - a Bodyrock workout or walk with J or some upper body weights/squats.

I yesterday I dragged my ass up out of bed to come in for a spin class like I used to back before I got sick - turns out my favorite old instructor is still teaching and they have new spin bikes, so it was a fun experience. I am glad I still liked it -spin class will not aggravate any of my surgical repairs so I figure it's a good thing to get back into. I don't want to commit to every morning anymore, but it's a good way to start ...maybe work in some swimming in the new year. We shall see...

Anyhoo - I has work to do. My break is over.
Happy humpday my good peeps. I hope you have a great day and all is well with you.
Much love to you all this frosty day.

Monday, October 30, 2017

New Hotness

It's my birthday.
Hooray.

My back is still sore but is healing up nicely - my tattoo is nothing less than phenomenal and I am very happy with it. I am obsessing over it as one does with new things, and constantly worrying if I am caring for it well, but I am sure it will heal up fine. It's moving from the owie stage into the dear god why is it so itchy stage.
old and busted...

You would never know I had a thick 7 inch scar across my back. Now it's a work of art. The carnation is for my mum. The DNA dragonfly is a meshing of science and spirituality -legends say dragonflies carry your wishes to heaven; DNA is the language of the living universe. The triskelion represents symmetry...the change through life and a bringing together of  things - body, mind and soul...past, present and future. The gears and leaves are my body and spirit growing and changing...my ghost in my machine.

new hotness
I am absolutely deliriously happy with it all. Jen Lee at Red Tide has specialized training to tattoo over scars and works a lot with cancer patients to help them change their body back into what they chose after treatment. I am so glad to have worked with her on this. It was worth every penny and every minute of the 4.5 hours it took to do. She took all my random ideas and made this for me.
Meep.

Today I've made pulled pork in the slow cooker so I can get home to a lazy meal and then relax. Maybe see a movie...maybe just chill. Don't care.
It's my birthday. I'm here. I'm home. Things are OK.
I'll take it for now :)

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

boundaries

"And her sky was just a bandit hanging at the end of a hangman's noose
Because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it.

And her friends said 'my that's tragic'
And she said 'especially for the moon'

And this is the world as best as I can remember it."

These lyrics have been floating around in my head the past few days from an old favorite song of mine. It is how I feel right now...

this week's hard learned lesson for me

For the last week since we got home from holidays J and I have been in a trial separation.

His behavior and actions have shown that he is not well. After a giant fight he decided to initiate this and told me things were over. Although he is now calm, remorseful and apologetic and I am not ready to go home yet...and he does not understand why. While it was initiated by him I have become the devil because I am not wanting to just let it go, come home and work on this together as a close and loving couple because I do not think he is well and has not yet gotten help.  I do not think it is right for me...and I just can't yet. Until I feel confident enough to do so and until some concrete things are decided between us about his getting treatment, what issues really matter for me and a plan of how we will work with each other on each of our issues during that time I don't think I should. This will take a long time...and we have all the time in our life to fix it if it can be. I have gone back and forgiven the past too many times to just let it go...I have to look after myself now. I have set boundaries...and am being forced to maintain them. I have refused to be manipulated or guilted into doing what is not right for me and am trying to be strong for what I need. It is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I've done a lot of hard things in my life.

It's terrible...but I am still hopeful. Because I still love him, no matter what he thinks. I know he loves me. It remains to be seen if he will understand and be willing to put in the work to try to fix this or step back instead. Whatever happens I ultimately just want him to get help. I have a wonderful and supportive family and circle of friends who are supportive of me so I feel as tho I am doing what is right.

I hope so...I can go home for a bit today for a few days while he is out of town and hug my cats. Maybe I will stay. Maybe not.


My holidays were mostly amazing though...saw the Orb and Soohan play and J did lasers for them and kicked ass - I've never been so proud. I did science as part of a national harm reduction pilot study. I camped with friends in Oregon and saw a full solar eclipse at the most amazing festival I have ever been to. I laughed with my friends and danced under the stars. Not all bad...but it just ended badly. So very badly.


For now I'll settle for a good night's sleep. Only had 1 since I got home...



Monday, July 31, 2017

1 week left

I am so anxious. At times I am OK but the last few days I've been on the verge of tears occasionally just out of stress.
Why?
In 2 days J leaves to work for a weekend where he will be well paid and with good people but will get little sleep int he very hot sun. He gets back monday sometime utterly exhausted after working and likely up ~30 hours straight and as soon as he arrives we have to toss a few things into the van including me and be off to BC to make it for the training I have to attend for the festival I am volunteering at in BC. I will drive as much as possible and hopefully J can sleep, with a brief stop to sleep a few hours at my sisters on the way. J is also working in BC but he doesn't have to be there until wednesday. We are doing things this year that have never been done before for harm reduction and I really should be there for the training... So we are essentially packing up for 3 weeks away camping now and he is incredibly stressed about it all.

Thing is - we had a few weeks to plan and we have been somewhat getting shade and other items, but we keep bickering and being busy with life so we haven't had as much time to plan as we'd like...plus, the time we have together that is good has been enjoyed relaxing and so really...not quite ready. We'll get by, but not super-planned or fun-planned like in the past. Since J has started working festivals the house becomes an explosion of camp gear and equipment from May until September. There's just stuff everywhere, which makes it seem more maddening than it should be...and I just want to get on the road.

We are already bickering. Thing is - when he is tired his anxiety and moods ramp up big time and he is difficult to be around sometimes. When I am tired I don't listen and have trouble explaining what I want. Terrible mix. I am so high strung right now  ...I just want to make it to the festival in Oregon where we will just get to relax...but that we are planning with others and that makes it more complicated. I really hope we don't fight a lot. Lately it's hard to know-the last few weeks were wonderful...but then, the last few days haven't again.

I have told him I am going to be supportive. Add in the hatred of worry about set up and then sun and heat and crowds for him and he'll be tense. I have minimal expectations.... I am over the moon because I get to do science at a harm reduction tent in a mini pop up lab saving people's lives next weekend. As long as I have a bed to sleep in and a parasol to keep the sun off I really don't care. I'd love to find my friends there and I'm hoping I'll run into them because otherwise I may be pretty lonely - they are all camping elsewhere in preassigned posh (expensive) camp areas (J and I will be near the stage he works at) . J will be working nights at a stage and need to sleep most of the day so I likely won't see him on the days I work. Although it's a bit lonely being on my own at a festival it is a lot less stressful. J has a lot of needs related to his anxiety and I admit it's hard to not treat his needs poorly because they can be picky and irrational to me...but I have to remember they are real for him. I'm not going to be silly about it, but I am going to try and help him do his job and enjoy himself at least a bit. Where do you draw the line between being supportive and giving up your holiday for someone? It's tricky. This year he's being paid well to be there doing his lasers so I want it to go well for him - this festival is international and it could be HUGE for future work bookings if he kicks ass.

After he leaves I have 4 days to pack and plan. I'd like to go see my dad, even if it is for 1 day and go fishing...but there is just so much to do.

But really tho? I just don't want to fight. I don't want to t bring our drama into my friend's holiday with us either.  But...I admit -on some level I'm expecting it. We already argued today because of me not asking about something and speaking for him while booking things for the trip with friends. We both can be jerks.

Life on a deserted island is looking pretty good right about now...


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Repairs and Mountains and Music

down from the ridge on a snow packed ascent
Hello.
It's been a while, but I'm doing well. Really. It was up and down but I had some really good times with myself and feel like I'm in a good place at the moment.
Akamina Ridge, Waterton National Park
The hiking trip was wonderful - I hiked up 1000m to the Akamida Ridge and had 2 great hikes with my friends. I can still do what I love. I was full of joy to be able to do this again. To be healthy again. It went OK having J there and the weekend was overall a good thing. Had some great visits around the campfire with old friends. After that J was gone for a few weeks working so I had time to myself to organize and think and get at peace with myself. This past weekend was Astral Harvest Music Festival and although I would have liked to camp with my friends that I usually do camp with our van was stuck in a muddy area so we were separate, but still ended up having some good times with new people despite that. It was a different experience, but overall a good one. I spent time with good people and J and I had a real heart to heart talk at one point where I was able to really pour out my feelings and feel like I was heard. He really heard my hurt and what really was bothering me and I told him what I had been thinking and I have started to put together what I would like to do moving forward to make things better for us and myself.


lunch view from on top of the world
 highest point of the hike
With my counselor and a few books help (like the great book Fuck Feelings - I'd highly recommend it) I've started to look at what I will accept and what I will not in my relationship and life and although there are some things I need to address in myself, there are a lot of things I need to do in my relationship to delineate what I need and want and will accept. Over the past few weeks I have visited and talked with a few very close friends and vented and learned that yes I am taking too much sometimes and no I shouldn't anymore - that there is no reason for me to accept unacceptable behavior or words from anyone -even my husband. I confirmed that I need to be strong and stand up for myself, if only by walking away or being willing to take a stand about what I feel is acceptable or not to work to make things better. Most importantly that I cannot and should not try to fix problems in other people that I have no control over. There are ways I can work to get J to help more in the house. I can say no to things and still be a good person. It's going to be a challenge, but together we are going to try to see what we can do to repair things and I hope that this will begin something new and positive. I am looking after myself instead of putting everyone else first instead...it's odd and slightly guilt making, but a good way to move forward I think. We shall see how it goes.

For now - it's back to work for a few weeks before a big holiday away in BC and Oregon.
Life's a tricky thing. We must embrace it and live it and cherish and build the relationships in our life that mean the most - and these should bring us kindness and happiness, not sorrow and pain. I am willing to work to try and fix things. I hope we can.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

fail

So tired. Yesterday didn't go well.
Didn't go to the show last night. Managed to create a huge argument beforehand  after what I did and it just went downhill from there. J went alone. We just cannot communicate without insulting each other somehow. Didn't sleep much last night.

J likely is not coming hiking this weekend. Maybe that is a good thing. We can't seem to stop arguing at the moment. Not sure what will happen with his eye meds but I am not giving up a weekend alone of hiking because he needs eye medicine.

Ugh. I am just so very tired...

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Blink

Up
Down
Up
Down

I am so looking forward to mountain hikes to clear my mind this weekend. Nature therapy. Mountains. Cheese and onion sammiches and sunshine.

Spent hours in the mediclinic last night after a dinner at his parents because J got something in his eye that wouldn't come out (it actually scratched his cornea a bit) and so he had to get it cleaned out - it was quite painful. Other than supper not a great evening really. He has eye ointment now for a week. What fun...guess who is putting it in? Yes. Whee. It doesn't hurt as much this morning and should be healed up in a few days...but annoying. It was such a relief when the doc froze it  to clean it. We were the last person of the evening in the clinic...the poor doctor was exhausted. I went to the closest clinic thinking it would be faster...could have just gone to our regular clinic since the wait was like an hour and a half anyways, but it had to be done. Poor doc had stitched up a screaming kid prior to us and just looked haggard... I just wanted to give him a bottle of wine and a hug. Clinic docs do not get enough respect.

Sooooo....didn't get home until 1130. Not asleep until almost 1. Not a great evening with a husband in pain being grumpy mcgrumpface. At least it's on the mend.

But -today is new. I am at work. It's sunny. There is a good free live show tonight by Delhi to Dublin for the local Jazz Festival that I hope to get out for with a  few friends.There's also all the little things to cheer me up too- at the recommendation of a friend I've been listening to the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast and laughing my face off on my morning walks. When life is dreary it's good to have a laugh to start your day with. Crude and funny and helps me crack a grin when I need one. Just gotta keep swimming until the weekend.