a fungus among us

I can't focus today. I forgot my brain pills. J woke up in a sad mood and offered to walk to work with me which you would think would be a good thing but ended up in a long talk about issues he has been having lately and me hearing about all the things I've done that haven't helped. A nice happy start to my day...sigh. I am glad we could talk in a safe place and discuss things but it's hard to take that first thing in the morning.  Scattered and focusing on sad things. Great say so far...not.

After waiting to see a dermatologist about the stupid rash I got in the Radium hot springs back in fall of last year (yeah...delays for non-critical things are ridiculous) I have finally had my appointment with her. I have (I hope) a cream to make the fungal things from the pool go away. I am also glad to hear that it is not any kind of weird cancer thing. I have read that her2+ cancer can come back as a skin cancer and was secretly paranoid that maybe this was that since it hadn't gone away fully after all this time...but the doc I saw assured me it was not. She (sadly) has seen that occur and knows what it looks like...and I am not dealing with that. So there is that -I am not suffering from some bizarre and rare skin cancer. I've never been so happy to have a fungal infection in my life.

But I shoudl go and try and work. J has offered to bring me my brain pills and some coffee money and a hug. Maybe I can salvage this day after all.

I feel like a snake

My brows have entered the peeling uneven color healing stage...I am so curious to see the intensity of the final color on my brows and if I need a touch up. My left brow has a few places peeling...and it looks way lighter under...so it's patchy. I am unsure if it will stay that color under once the rest peels or if that is how it will be or if the color will come back a bit as it heals. Apparently it'll take about 6 weeks to settle in color wise. I have no idea and everyone heals up differently, so I have to wait and see. She said she went lighter and that it would heal up lighter than the initial tattoo so that if I wanted a touch up with darker color we could touch it up since you can't go backwards...It makes sense, but I have come to like the darkness (muahahaha...that just sounds so emo) so I suspect I'll be back for a darker touch up.

It's very amusing to see people who don't know me try to not look at my face and pretend they aren't looking at things as they talk...before it was like they knew something was different and couldn't put their finger on it. Now it's cuz they're sort of peeling and don't look very even anymore...it was like when I was bald and people were all faux nonchalant about it. I don't mind talking about it after everything I've been through but people assume I don't want to. It's amusing. Social experiments are fun :P

It's fracking itchy tho. Overwhelmingly so. I have been really good at not rubbing or scratching and I am not touching it, other than to put lotion on occasionally. I just wanna see the final version!!!

Tonight I'm going to go over to a new friend's for supper. Girl supper. Working to cultivate friendships with people I admire. J is also going out with another group of friends since an old friend is in town jsut for the weekend and is getting together with people tonight...I don't know him as well so hopefully he doesn't take it personally. J is looking forward to it and is happy to be invited out with people. Trying to find a balance between building new friendships and keeping old ones...especially with J.

So much to learn.

You have no idea of the power of the dark side

Tabata  class last night was fun. I signed up for another summer term with the community association on tuesdays -really like the class. I haven't  done any exercise for over a week though so I am a bit stiff today. This AM I did some upper body weights and some squats. I'm trying to be good. I need to workout more regularly again. Last week was a bad week and I needed my sleep, but this week is much better. I'm not supposed to sweat a lot while my tattoo heals but there is still lots I can do.

And..it turrns out this weekend is Easter, which I totally forgot, so hey - long weekend! Just have to make it through 2 more workdays. Not going any where this weekend either, except maybe to J's grandma's for dinner but that isn't a province away...seems like I haven't been home for a while in ofrever. Lots of little things to do - dad brought the cupboard he made for the kitchen when he was here for his hand surgery yesterday and I also need to paint the kitcehn ceiling (the part we patched when we took out the chimney is a different color and I need to do the whole ceiling...and I hate ceilings so I've been ignoring it...) once I do J can replace the light fixtures in it. The fixtures in there suck and eat bulbs and we've been not replacing them as they burn out, thinking that we would defintiely do it as it got darker and more annoyed - haha! It was to be my christmas gift...and we all know how well that time of year went...so it's not yet looked after. Finally home for a bit with us both in a better frame of mind, so we're starting to notice all this kind of thing again. Little did we know just how stubbornly we can ignore shit (my ADD knows no bounds for some things like this...) and give in to the dark side...but by the weekend we will have lights in the kitchen other than the range hood and a lamp we put on top of the fridge (yes I know we're pathetic). About damn time.

I keep staring at my new eyebrows. The lines are softening like the artist said they would and they still look good. I'm trying to put lotion on them when I need to - although I am paranoid about vaseline now since everyone I know who is a tattoo artist says to avoid it like a plague since  it can cause ink to fade or smear...the home care sheet I have says put on a light layer of vaseline before bed and then vitamin E lotion or vaseline a few times a day, especially if they are itchy (which is all the time...gah). I have some good unscented lotion with vitamin E from radiation therapy that I'm going to keep putting on them during the day. I just want them to heal up well - just being my paranoid little self. It's like I expect to wake up and suddenly find a huge smear on my face or that the ink has all blended to gether or something. Right now they just look like normal brows that have had a bit of poweder added to fill them in, which I am totally happy with. I liked the crisp lines of individual hairs but was warned that will feather a bit (and it has, but still looks fine) so I may get a touch up for that, but I can't wait until they are healed to see just what they will finally look like. I sleep on my side with my face smooshed in a pillow and i have been forcing myself to sleep on my back the last few days...I can do it but it's not as restful.

Anyhoo...just wanted to say hi. I should go get some work done, since I have one less day this week to get things done. Have a great hump day.

And then I had eyebrows again!

This Saturday I finally had my eyebrows tattooed. Drove 6 hours to Edmonton to a lady who has done it for over a decade, specializing in people with hair loss. I am very pleased. They look very natural. I'm nervous about treating them properly as they heal and spent a lot of time selecting the right person to do it, but I am so glad I did. $400 well spent. It's funny - everyone has advice about aftercare - the lady said to just put some Vaseline on them for a few days and not rub or scratch them and keep them moisturized while they heal. Other people have advice...and I should really read the aftercare instructions they gave me too (I forgot and put it in my purse but just realized didn't read them yet...oops).

It makes such a huge difference to have eyebrows again...they really define your face...and to not have to try and draw them on anymore? It's gonna be so nice. I don't have those skills really and now I don't have to worry about it for years.

Got in a good visit with friends as well in Edmonton even with my red sore face on saturday so I am pretty happy about the whole experience. I am pleased!

All over the map

Busy times. Feeling like I am all over the place, while still making time for my life. For me lately the focus has been trying to flush out who I am and what I need in my life now that I'm clearer headed. Trying to support J without being a crutch. Hugging my cats. Alternating between clean eating and potato chips. Mmmm. Daily workouts have been fun and I signed up for another session of weekly tabata classes which I'm looking forward to.

Lately I've been lost in my head a lot and focusing on reconnecting with the people in my life who matter to me that I haven't been able to be close with..., I have been grateful for the time I've been able to be away and reconnect with friends. I have been able to visit some great friends on my own and I am excited about the upcoming Comic Expo in Calgary at the end of the month with my friend Heather. Next weekend I'll be in Edmonton (again...) to get my eyebrows microbladed on by someone there who is very skilled at it - I am nervous but very excited to have eyebrows again.  I am tired of drawing them on all the time and I just am not very good at it, so I hope for good results. I'll post pics for sure.

Although I do find being social exhausting sometimes (I don't get a lot of solo time), it is nice to have good time with friends. I tend to put everyone else first and being able to have some "me" time has been glorious. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. Plus....honestly you don't realize how hard it is emotionally to be the main support for someone dealing with depression until you are out being filled up and supported yourself and top up those reserves again. It does J a wonder of good for us to be out with our friends as well - he's so isolated working from home and is much more sensitive to what others say and do  - social media is awful for that kind of situation and having this kind of support and fun times from friends is definitely a bonus. This weekend was a road trip up with friends to stay with a good friend who moved there recently for her birthday and a party at her and her partner's place. It was a long weekend of fun - altho I feel a big haggard and I think I may be getting a bit to old for these sorts of shenanigans, I did thoroughly enjoy myself and build on some new friendships. For that I am glad about. Now I can focus om home again and build my home life again.

I am trying to maintain daily workouts and I want to be ready for whatever final surgeries I have for finishing off my plastic surgery so I can just move on. I am looking forward to finally having met with the plastic surgeon to just know what's left for me. I want to sign off on this chapter of things...there is much to do. :)