So tired. Yesterday didn't go well.
Didn't go to the show last night. Managed to create a huge argument beforehand  after what I did and it just went downhill from there. J went alone. We just cannot communicate without insulting each other somehow. Didn't sleep much last night.

J likely is not coming hiking this weekend. Maybe that is a good thing. We can't seem to stop arguing at the moment. Not sure what will happen with his eye meds but I am not giving up a weekend alone of hiking because he needs eye medicine.

Ugh. I am just so very tired...



I am so looking forward to mountain hikes to clear my mind this weekend. Nature therapy. Mountains. Cheese and onion sammiches and sunshine.

Spent hours in the mediclinic last night after a dinner at his parents because J got something in his eye that wouldn't come out (it actually scratched his cornea a bit) and so he had to get it cleaned out - it was quite painful. Other than supper not a great evening really. He has eye ointment now for a week. What fun...guess who is putting it in? Yes. Whee. It doesn't hurt as much this morning and should be healed up in a few days...but annoying. It was such a relief when the doc froze it  to clean it. We were the last person of the evening in the clinic...the poor doctor was exhausted. I went to the closest clinic thinking it would be faster...could have just gone to our regular clinic since the wait was like an hour and a half anyways, but it had to be done. Poor doc had stitched up a screaming kid prior to us and just looked haggard... I just wanted to give him a bottle of wine and a hug. Clinic docs do not get enough respect.

Sooooo....didn't get home until 1130. Not asleep until almost 1. Not a great evening with a husband in pain being grumpy mcgrumpface. At least it's on the mend.

But -today is new. I am at work. It's sunny. There is a good free live show tonight by Delhi to Dublin for the local Jazz Festival that I hope to get out for with a  few friends.There's also all the little things to cheer me up too- at the recommendation of a friend I've been listening to the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast and laughing my face off on my morning walks. When life is dreary it's good to have a laugh to start your day with. Crude and funny and helps me crack a grin when I need one. Just gotta keep swimming until the weekend.

One of these things is not like the other...

It's been a while I know. Just haven't felt like posting for many reasons.
Things are good. And bad. And good. And...well have a seat and I'll catch you up. :)

I'm healing up well from my surgery - it's been 4 weeks now and other than some sensitivity and a few scabs on my incision I'm healing up well. The surgeon took the extra skin off my reconstructed breast and made it smoother and better and the fat grafting has really helped fill in some dents. It's now way perkier than my other breast, so I'll have to have the other one lifted to match-sometime in the late fall I am going back to see my surgeon to plan that out. One more fat grafting session is needed (your body reabsorbs about half the fat they put in) so my once perfect round breasts that have receded a bit will be more rounded and plumped out a bit to match the raised one. No folds and cracks though - it's amazing. Apparently my reconstructed breast implant had ripped out of it's constructed pocket and moved out of place and once it was repaired and restored during the surgery my breast was a lot higher again - plus once the flap of thicker skin from my back was removed to make a more aesthetically pleasing breast it's a bit smaller and higher now as well. Nip and tuck and nip and tuck. Sigh. So, it was good he went in there after all it seems. He asked about doing a lift at the same time literally 10 minutes before the surgery but I just couldn't decide on that short of notice. But - it does look better...and as frustrating as it was at first to see that it is necessary to do so, it's just one more surgery then. It'll better match the foob too with time to heal - about 6 months is best for everything to settle into place. Just one more. I can do that. I'll have the boobs of a 20 year old I tell ya...

The sites on my outer thighs where the fat grafting was taken from was really painful though - I had bruising that was absolutely spectacular. I didn't know you could get that purple. I matched my dark purple hoodie all along the outside of my things - altho I was glad it wan't my bum or sitting would have been nasty.. Thankfully with rest and lots of arnica cream (makes a world of difference!!) the bruising is gone now  - just a bit sensitive to pressure where they dug around and made things even again, but that's fading. The saddlebags on my outer thighs that I've always disliked are bonus for that I suppose. I was worried I'd look all odd or lumpy, but it looks fine. 10 points for my surgeon. I was back at work, albeit tender and sitting on pillows, a week after surgery. The princess and the pea for sure. :)

I still can't work out vigorously for another 3-4 weeks although walking and riding a bike is OK now so I've started walking to work again. I can get back to squats and lunges this week gently, but no ab or upper body work for at least another 2-3 weeks to make sure that my chest heals up well and the repaired implant pocket stays healed.  I've had to wear an underwire bra 24/7 (must for 6 weeks after surgery) and sleep on my back, but I've getting better. Not the best sleep, but compared to previous major surgeries this was a lot better. So physically - I'm on the mend. I plan to hike in the mountains with a friend this weekend - and I will be recovered enough to do that so I cam very pleased. She's preggers so I figure we can keep up with each other.

My home life on the other hand? Well...lets just say things have been better. J has a lot of things he needs to deal with in his own mind and he has slowly been turning into a different person over the last year or so. Not a bad person ...but someone different...that I can't seem to communicate with on the same level anymore. Our bad days are outnumbering the good days lately, and after yet another weekend of tears and discussion I am starting to wonder. I love him dearly...well who he used to be dearly...but if he doesn't try to get help with his issues and the person he used to be that I fell in love with is really gone ...well, then ...because this new not good for me. For us. Suffice it to say that this summer is going to be filled with a lot of thinking and introspection on my part. I don't want to start putting my thoughts into this direction...but I am forcing myself to be honest and really look at my life. I can't pretend anymore that we're happy and am going to see a counselor to work on my own issues and look at the things that I am bringing into our relationship that need work - I want to find out what is best for both of us. I can't fix him. Just me. And it's not all it's not simple. I just know that I didn't fight my way back to health to be miserable. I'm not saying I'm miserable all the time - far from it. We have our lovely and fun times and that is what I am fighting for. It's's complicated. We've been together over 20 years. Ironically he finally got his matching arm tattoo 3 weeks ago...his version of a wedding ring after all these years. I know he still loves me...and I want to hope that things can be fixed I really do. Yet a lot of it isn't up to me. I don't even know where to begin...but I've said enough - our of respect for him and our years together I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here and choose to treat him with respect. Suffice it to say that we are the epitome of the Facebook relationship status - "it's complicated". I truly hope love is enough...

Well now that I've brought you down I want to just say this - don't worry about me. Life has it's ups and downs and there is much much more to do and see and experience in life. I'm still here. Now that I'm not in survival mode I really am choosing to look at my life and see just where things are. For me. For my happiness. If other people aren't going to I have to...what *I* want and need. I'm only 43...and I've got a lot of living to do -I hope for good things. We shall see. I have many good friends who love me. I have my health and I intend to keep it. So I am far better than many others...It's a start. :)

Happy monday my interweb friends. Have a good week  OK?