Revelations

Yesterday I spent part of my day in an Mental Health Awareness Training for Managers class. I learned a lot...not only about how to help and what is appropriate for me to do to help my staff BUT I also, unfortunately, learned a bit about myself.

During the class the discussion and description of depression and anxiety made me stop and think. There was a lot of time spent looking at depression and emotional issues not so much as sadness, but as a dislocation from regular life. As the need for having to back away from social things and life events because it's too much to process...an overload that causes anxiety. Social anxiety at the thought of going out, even with good friends. Have angry responses to demands that seem burdensome when they previously were OK. Spending time alone to process life and finding no joy in things that formerly brought you joy and interest.

Hello me lately.

It's a bit of a kick in the arse to see it in black and white, but it would appear that my tamoxifen is giving me issues...it's clinically known side effect and I've been trying to pretend like I can fix this on my own, but I am wondering now if that will work. I'm assuming that the changes in my body chemistry are the cause...I don't know what else it could be. God knows I've been through enough shit in the last few years to warrant a bit of blue, but why now if not for that reason? I'm giving myself until after my surgery when I have my physical with my doc to try and fix this with exercise and vitamin D and healthy livingish type stuff. Exercise endorphins help too...but they only go so far and last for so long. I can't do crazy hard core workouts right now so I'm restricted in that regards and I don't want to get weird and unhealthy with my approach to food an exercise thinking it will some how "fix" me if I just did it right...because that's just one more things for me to be sad about. If it doesn't get better maybe I'll do something sooner if it really gets to me...I dunno. I just know I don't want to be this way anymore. It's been months and months of this...I get days of respite and feel better for a bit, but it always comes back. I'm starting to see for the first time just how J feels when he has bouts of  depression...and man -I don't like it. I am not myself.

Although there are decent days where I'm jsut a bit numb or blue, I will admit to having days where I'd prefer to hide in a blanket fort with the covers and hide. I've pondered calling in sick to work. There are days when I am just numb or just...sad for no reason. When walking home I often think "I could just sit down and lay on the grass there for a while"...and tend to sleep a lot when I have free time. Now, it could just be that I'm tired and run down from exercising more and being busy...but not this much. It's too often and too frequent to ignore. I find it hard to focus on anything at work. I am normally a happy cheerful person and J is the one with this kinda problem. It's incredibly frustrating.

So what to do?
Guess I"ll find out.
There are a few medications like Effexor or Pristiq I could try for this that don't interact with my tamoxifen so I have 1 or 2 options that way, but a part of me just doesn't want to take medication any more. I am trying vitamin D and exercise for now. More pills doesn't seem like the answer. But...BUT the rest of me knows that if I have to take this drug for 10 damn years then I need to deal with this if it's going to be an issue and effect my life like this...because I don't like feeling this way. I did not fight for my life to have it be like this. Maybe I just need a bit of help for a while...?

Have any of you felt this way? Dealt with this? Have any natural supplements you could suggest? I've heard magnesium can help... It may be TMI but this blog is my sounding board for me to write out my thoughts and try and solidify things for me...so you're getting this too. Sorry.
Not Sorry.

I've really been working to stay active and exercise. My food isn't always great since I medicate my moods with food and lately they haven't been great. I've actually gained a few pounds while trying to get fit, but I'm reminding myself it's probably just muscles (I hope). I'm trying not to drink as a diversion and get out to do things with J and friends that I know I will enjoy. I'm doing what I can...I think. It's not all gloom. Just sometimes...and those times are more often than they should be.


We'll see...