Had a fantastic weekend away at a West Edmonton Mall theme room. Giant jacuzzi. Wine. Cream puffs. Blacklight mini golf.
Ate far too much. Smiled so much my cheeks hurt.
MMMmmm.
Spent 2 blissful days with J reconnecting and being us. It was just what the doctor ordered. I'm a bit scared to come back to reality, but it sure was a good time away to reset things...
My knee is still a bit stiff (grrr), so today I slept in and just shovelled the foot of snow we got over the weekend as a bit of exercise for the day. With any luck I can get back to working out at some point this week. We shall see. I certainly need to work off this weekend...
For now, it's a new week. We'll see how it goes :)
I began this blog while learning to run and training for my very first race! Now I'm just your friendly neighborhood mad scientist still trying to live a healthy life...day by day :)
Tag, you're it
OK.
Sleep goes a long way to restoring sanity.
It looks like we might be able to get away this weekend as well too.
When it rains it pours...thankfully I've found my umbrella far back int he wardrobe after much looking.
My knee hurts still, so I didn't work out today. It's definitely the old achey injury that only rest will cure, so that it what it will get. Until I can get me a robot knee, I need to be kind to it. GOing to spin on tuesday was likely a dumb thing to do. Rest is best.
Over the last few days I've come to terms with the fact that being so busy over the last few months is starting to change me, and not in a way that I like. I have found myself becoming introverted, and focused. This was necessary, yes, to get things done, but I was also pushing away J and others that love me and support me. I have done things that hurt these people closest to me, under the misguided assumption that because I was at ease with them, they would somehow understand when I did things that hurt them or made them feel rejected and less important. That it would be OK for them. This past week I knowingly (and admittedly unthinklingly) after having a long terrible day did something small, yet big, and the events that whirled after have led me to take a long look at myself.
I am going to go and meet with a counsellor to try and sort out all this craziness and try to get to know myself again. Luckily my job has an employee assistance program to help me. I am going to use it. I need to understand why I do these unkind things and not do them. How to deal with all my stresses. When push comes to shove I do not want to become the person I am beginning to become - this will stop now if I have anything to do with it. I also want to rekindle closeness and sincerity with the man I love. It is hard and I have been ignoring it under the guise of "no time for that". That is stopping.
In the midst of all this I still have a thesis to write. How and when I am not entirely sure, but my father (sweet sweet man) has offered to help me with another semester of university, so that if I must take longer to finish, that the stress and worry of the cost of it all does not loom over my head. He told me about how he ha to extend his MSc for similar reasons and understands what it's like...and doesn't want me to be so stressed out over everything. This way the money I had to pay back to the government is not looming guilt over my mind as I try and slog on with life and school and make amends. It's a daunting task that seems to be taking over my life, and I resent it for it, but yet know that it is my fault for putting myself in this situation. It's sparkly panty time.
All in all it's been a very weird week. But ultimately good in the end for all that has come out of it for me. What a week. Ugh.
It's reminded me that life does not stop for school. That after it, it is here, and IT is what is the key to all of this and not some words on a page. Somehow I have to find a balance and finish this up.
We shall see. I hope this weekend away is a time to reconnect with J. To meet him in a level place, away from home, to just be together without worries or stresses and remember just why this life we have together is so wonderful. I hope it is a good time and not stressful or difficult. We both know what we need to do, and how we feel. I have hurt him inadvertantly and I want to make a start at rebuilding his trust with me. It's a bit like playing lego blindfolded...all the parts are there...just a bit of a struggle to find the way they all fit together...just need to hook them up together again so that things are where they should be.
WIsh me luck.
Sleep goes a long way to restoring sanity.
It looks like we might be able to get away this weekend as well too.
When it rains it pours...thankfully I've found my umbrella far back int he wardrobe after much looking.
My knee hurts still, so I didn't work out today. It's definitely the old achey injury that only rest will cure, so that it what it will get. Until I can get me a robot knee, I need to be kind to it. GOing to spin on tuesday was likely a dumb thing to do. Rest is best.
Over the last few days I've come to terms with the fact that being so busy over the last few months is starting to change me, and not in a way that I like. I have found myself becoming introverted, and focused. This was necessary, yes, to get things done, but I was also pushing away J and others that love me and support me. I have done things that hurt these people closest to me, under the misguided assumption that because I was at ease with them, they would somehow understand when I did things that hurt them or made them feel rejected and less important. That it would be OK for them. This past week I knowingly (and admittedly unthinklingly) after having a long terrible day did something small, yet big, and the events that whirled after have led me to take a long look at myself.
I am going to go and meet with a counsellor to try and sort out all this craziness and try to get to know myself again. Luckily my job has an employee assistance program to help me. I am going to use it. I need to understand why I do these unkind things and not do them. How to deal with all my stresses. When push comes to shove I do not want to become the person I am beginning to become - this will stop now if I have anything to do with it. I also want to rekindle closeness and sincerity with the man I love. It is hard and I have been ignoring it under the guise of "no time for that". That is stopping.
In the midst of all this I still have a thesis to write. How and when I am not entirely sure, but my father (sweet sweet man) has offered to help me with another semester of university, so that if I must take longer to finish, that the stress and worry of the cost of it all does not loom over my head. He told me about how he ha to extend his MSc for similar reasons and understands what it's like...and doesn't want me to be so stressed out over everything. This way the money I had to pay back to the government is not looming guilt over my mind as I try and slog on with life and school and make amends. It's a daunting task that seems to be taking over my life, and I resent it for it, but yet know that it is my fault for putting myself in this situation. It's sparkly panty time.
All in all it's been a very weird week. But ultimately good in the end for all that has come out of it for me. What a week. Ugh.
It's reminded me that life does not stop for school. That after it, it is here, and IT is what is the key to all of this and not some words on a page. Somehow I have to find a balance and finish this up.
We shall see. I hope this weekend away is a time to reconnect with J. To meet him in a level place, away from home, to just be together without worries or stresses and remember just why this life we have together is so wonderful. I hope it is a good time and not stressful or difficult. We both know what we need to do, and how we feel. I have hurt him inadvertantly and I want to make a start at rebuilding his trust with me. It's a bit like playing lego blindfolded...all the parts are there...just a bit of a struggle to find the way they all fit together...just need to hook them up together again so that things are where they should be.
WIsh me luck.
*sigh*
Well. This weekend is not going to happen.
For a myriad of reasons.
I could not sleep last night.
I am exhausted.
Yes. at the moment life is...fractured.
I am tired of it all.
Someone else can do this for a while OK?
I've had enough.
For a myriad of reasons.
I could not sleep last night.
I am exhausted.
Yes. at the moment life is...fractured.
I am tired of it all.
Someone else can do this for a while OK?
I've had enough.
instant injury
I woke up this morning with a very stiff, slightly sore knee. Weirdness. It almost was clicky...how this happened I have no idea, as I was fine when I went to bed. I decided to come in for spin and sculpt but kept the tension low on the bike and did not do any lunges or squats. It's still stiff, but I"m hoping it will work itself out. If it's sore tomorrow I will definitely ditch boot camp, as there are always lots of things in it to stress my knee and that would not help. J and I are going away for a romantic weekend this weekend (I can't wait!) and nothing would be less romantic than me limping about. SO I will be nice to myself and see what happens. I hate the fact that my knee can just do this. I think I tried too much too fast after a week off perhaps...a little warning would have been good to let me know to stop tho. This is all rather sudden...and usually requires me doing nothing for a few days to let it heal up. Grrr.
Some times I hate my knee.
Last night was nice though. A nice visit and chinese meal (yum) out with the family. J had to work so I ordered some kung pao chicken to take home for the 2 of us to have tonight for supper. Yum. no cooking for me. Ha HA!
And so I must be off. Work to do. and then there's that dang thesis...
Later taters.
Some times I hate my knee.
Last night was nice though. A nice visit and chinese meal (yum) out with the family. J had to work so I ordered some kung pao chicken to take home for the 2 of us to have tonight for supper. Yum. no cooking for me. Ha HA!
And so I must be off. Work to do. and then there's that dang thesis...
Later taters.
Too many jocks spoil the...
I was up and in this AM for my Workout A + abfest + 28 minutes on the stairclimber. I was a little worried today might not happen since I woke up at 2 AM with a killer headache, but a banana and advils seemed to do the trick. Woke up as usual at 530 and felt just fine. The gym is full of loud bellowing, back slapping, grunting jocks...it's tryout times for football and volleyball. Thankfully if I get in my weights stuff first before 7 I miss most of them. They're very polite and aren't rude or ogley but it makes it so crowded. Soon they'll pare down the numbers and it won't be so bad...nothing like doing walking lunges through a crowd of linebackers. So very odd...
My Dad is home from visiting my sister in Ontario so tonight is family night. A little chinese food and hopefully a few games.
Looking forward to it.
I'm feeling rather good today. After a day of house chores and catching up on a few things like taking down the christmas tree I took in the recyclables and used my booty to go to Value Village (woo) and got some new (to me) jeans, a skirt and some nice sweaters for work. I now have a few more nice work things and only spent $40...:) Nothing like a new pair of brand name jeans that actually fit and nice hooded red button up sweater to make me feel all swanky.
Have a nice day :) I'm off to the lab...
My Dad is home from visiting my sister in Ontario so tonight is family night. A little chinese food and hopefully a few games.
Looking forward to it.
I'm feeling rather good today. After a day of house chores and catching up on a few things like taking down the christmas tree I took in the recyclables and used my booty to go to Value Village (woo) and got some new (to me) jeans, a skirt and some nice sweaters for work. I now have a few more nice work things and only spent $40...:) Nothing like a new pair of brand name jeans that actually fit and nice hooded red button up sweater to make me feel all swanky.
Have a nice day :) I'm off to the lab...
Nausea oh nausea, rock on.
As is the usual, in January people come back to the gym and for whatever reason try to attempt feats of fitness that they are just not ready for. Exhibit A: this morning, a new guy who looked relatively healthy was pushing himself with weights and then, while on a rower, went all pale and shaky and was sick on the floor and just couldn't get back to normal. The EMTs came to take him in for a checkup just to be safe. I'm glad he's OK.
I'll never get that. With the low blood pressure I have when I feel dizzy I stop. Right there. I have to or I faint...which hurts. Unlike the movies you do not gracefully collapse on a soft object. If you're lucky someone will catch you and you won't bruise yourself. If not...well, gravity is a harsh mistress :)
Pushing yourself to the point of puking just doesn't do it for me. If you've been active for a while then you have a better feeling of what you can do and how far to push yourself...but to do something so hard you barf? I know a few people who have done so accidentally (your first spin class seems to be notorious for this sort of thing)...but why should you push yourself this hard?
Seriously. How can people convince themselves that is normal? It's not. It really isn't. It's you body telling you to back the f*** off and ease into things.
This AM felt good...I went in for workout B and 28 minutes on the elliptical. I didn't do a lot of abwork after as my abs were still painful form the 2 previous day's exercise classes - just the parts that didn't ache. Last night my abs HURT. That will teach me to take 10 days off and jump right in where I left off :)
And now...another day. Last night was a busy regular old sort of day and it reminded me (*whimper*) what "normal" life is like with school and work. How I must get back to the crazy overworking for a few more months to finish. I really REALLY don't want to...but I must. I must finish. I've caught up on most of my chores and now, there is just my thesis looming over me. It's daunting...but I have to pick away at it. Soon I will be done. Soon. Summer. *gulp* That seems so far way from now...
I'll never get that. With the low blood pressure I have when I feel dizzy I stop. Right there. I have to or I faint...which hurts. Unlike the movies you do not gracefully collapse on a soft object. If you're lucky someone will catch you and you won't bruise yourself. If not...well, gravity is a harsh mistress :)
Pushing yourself to the point of puking just doesn't do it for me. If you've been active for a while then you have a better feeling of what you can do and how far to push yourself...but to do something so hard you barf? I know a few people who have done so accidentally (your first spin class seems to be notorious for this sort of thing)...but why should you push yourself this hard?
Seriously. How can people convince themselves that is normal? It's not. It really isn't. It's you body telling you to back the f*** off and ease into things.
This AM felt good...I went in for workout B and 28 minutes on the elliptical. I didn't do a lot of abwork after as my abs were still painful form the 2 previous day's exercise classes - just the parts that didn't ache. Last night my abs HURT. That will teach me to take 10 days off and jump right in where I left off :)
And now...another day. Last night was a busy regular old sort of day and it reminded me (*whimper*) what "normal" life is like with school and work. How I must get back to the crazy overworking for a few more months to finish. I really REALLY don't want to...but I must. I must finish. I've caught up on most of my chores and now, there is just my thesis looming over me. It's daunting...but I have to pick away at it. Soon I will be done. Soon. Summer. *gulp* That seems so far way from now...
SCIENCE!
I wish I could say I got a lot of thesis work done last night.
Instead I was reminded of household chemistry like a newbie first year chemist. Soaps are a base. Vinegar is an acid. So, mix the 2 and you get a sludge. Which is harder to remove than the stain I was trying to get out in the first place...whoops. :) Ah well...I got a tiny rug steamer for christmas and I'm trying to clean up all the areas our older cat has decided to...um...favour. Online hints for cleaning said mix Borax and vinegar...I had no Borax so I just used the soap that came with the steamer. Now I know better. Wash and THEN rinse with vinegar water. All is nice and clean now. Hopefully fur ball will take the hint. It's nice to have a little shampooer/cleaner for this kind of stuff, altho I am glad to have a dark carpet or I'm sure you'd really tell the dirty parts from the cleaned areas...
This AM was spin and sculpt. No dizzies today-a solid workout. There was a new guy in our class today...he seemed to have a great time and after the spin part he looked at me and went "yeah!" and gave me a high 5. It was cool. Made me smile. I love when people are into things...makes it more fun.
Must be off. Lots to do...I'm slowly remembering what the chaos is like. Time to hop in with both feet and get to it...
Have a great day!
Apricot pecan oat muffins. OMG. Pirate Bakery strikes again!
New muffin I made up last night for a week of relatively healthy snacking...which will likely will NOT last the week...heh heh. Before I forget, here is the ingredients for the most delish concoction I've thought up lately...and not too unhealthy either:
Mix the following together and let sit 5 min:
~1/4 c diced dried apricots (I suppose you could use cranberries or *shudder* raisins if you like)
~1/4 c roughly chopped pecans
1/2 c oatmeal
1 1/4 c milk
Then stir in:
1/4 c oil (I know - not the best - but if you healthify baking too much it doesn't keep it's bakiness more than a day or so. As a former baker I refuse to eat crappy baking...you can cut it back a bit more or use melted coconut oil instead for a more healthy fat, but don't say I didn't warn you not to overhealthify)
1/3 applesauce (or 1 mashed up banana would work too I suppose)
2 eggs
1/2c brown sugar (or agave syrup or maple syrup if ya have it)
1t cardamom AND cinnamon
A few shakes of nutmeg
1 t vanilla
Stir in until JUST mixed:
2 c flour (don't go more than 1/2 whole wheat or they'll be bricks)
1 T baking powder
1/4 t salt
Bake at 350 for ~20 minutes until they bounce back when tapped on top and are starting to brown up.
How can you tell I sort of bake by ear. Years of being a baker have made me rather experimental with things like muffins. I loves me my muffins...I'm working one with espresso and sunnyboy cereal and dates...I will perfect them. It's a tasty process!
:)
Mix the following together and let sit 5 min:
~1/4 c diced dried apricots (I suppose you could use cranberries or *shudder* raisins if you like)
~1/4 c roughly chopped pecans
1/2 c oatmeal
1 1/4 c milk
Then stir in:
1/4 c oil (I know - not the best - but if you healthify baking too much it doesn't keep it's bakiness more than a day or so. As a former baker I refuse to eat crappy baking...you can cut it back a bit more or use melted coconut oil instead for a more healthy fat, but don't say I didn't warn you not to overhealthify)
1/3 applesauce (or 1 mashed up banana would work too I suppose)
2 eggs
1/2c brown sugar (or agave syrup or maple syrup if ya have it)
1t cardamom AND cinnamon
A few shakes of nutmeg
1 t vanilla
Stir in until JUST mixed:
2 c flour (don't go more than 1/2 whole wheat or they'll be bricks)
1 T baking powder
1/4 t salt
Bake at 350 for ~20 minutes until they bounce back when tapped on top and are starting to brown up.
How can you tell I sort of bake by ear. Years of being a baker have made me rather experimental with things like muffins. I loves me my muffins...I'm working one with espresso and sunnyboy cereal and dates...I will perfect them. It's a tasty process!
:)
Booty call
This morning I was up and in for boot camp. The regular girl called in sick and her replacement was amazing. It was different - lots of body weight movements - less tabata insanity, more variation and fluid movement. A good workout. I kind of feel bad for the other instructor - this girl really had it together. I'm hoping they ask her back for other classes...
We are all stocked up with healthy food and I'm ready for a month of healthy living. One thing that I'm realizing is just how much sweetener I eat. Call it a resolution, I'm not sure what to call it, but over the weekend I came to the realization that I am being dishonest with myself, perhaps to my great peril. Not trying to be melodramatic here -I know the health concerns regarding splenda and equal and I've decided (despite a bit of nervousness) that I need to remove them from my life. I have come to rely on them too much and I need to just eat healthy. Occasional intake is not a great concern, but I'm taking it to another level...and I'm uncomfortable with it when I'm honest with myself. Things don't need to be sweet for me to enjoy them, or I should enjoy them less. Plus there is always stevia which I don't know of any health concerns from (although it tastes weird in some things).
We are all stocked up with healthy food and I'm ready for a month of healthy living. One thing that I'm realizing is just how much sweetener I eat. Call it a resolution, I'm not sure what to call it, but over the weekend I came to the realization that I am being dishonest with myself, perhaps to my great peril. Not trying to be melodramatic here -I know the health concerns regarding splenda and equal and I've decided (despite a bit of nervousness) that I need to remove them from my life. I have come to rely on them too much and I need to just eat healthy. Occasional intake is not a great concern, but I'm taking it to another level...and I'm uncomfortable with it when I'm honest with myself. Things don't need to be sweet for me to enjoy them, or I should enjoy them less. Plus there is always stevia which I don't know of any health concerns from (although it tastes weird in some things).
Thing is, a close friend of mine has a parent dying of cancer. This has reminded me that if I really am going to do as I claim and be healthy in my everyday living I can't shove chemicals into my body. Why make the effort of eating clean and organic if I'm going to shove numerous teaspoons of chemical into my body every day? Why risk dying of cancer? Why gamble on the potential loss o health and time with my loved ones? I'm not saying never have a diet drink again, but when it's slowly becoming a part of almost all I beverages I drink? Crystal light or putting sweetener in my coffee...multiple times a day? It's just plain unhealthy.
Period.
I know I need to do this. I have to be honest that I am frightened that I will suddenly gain weight back from not using it. But I know I can pay attention to how I eat and drink. I can make the necessary changes. And in the end a pound or two may be better for me than a constant dose of chemicals.
What do you think? Do you use sweeteners? If so, why or why not? I'd love to know your opinions...
Happy New Year
Whew.
5:30 came way too early today.
I've had a lovely holiday. Pity it wasn't just a wee bit longer.
I had a nice 10 days off work. Most of that was spent putting on and tearing down an all night space themed electronic music party, but that too went well. We sold out and raised 900 for a local charity. We had an absolute BLAST and it was worth all the hard work. Then it was relaxing and laziness with family. Lots of nibbles and good wine and despite my compete inattention to food intake, I really did not do too badly. I've found the emotional attachments I have to food are not quite the same any more - which is good. Yes, some food still makes me happy because they are just plain delicious (like chilled gawerztraminer and pomegranates and cheese of any kind!) but I just can't *eat* like I used to. Eating is not in and of itself an event. I don't even know how to describe it, but it's not as important anymore. It seems this whole MSc thing has put this and other things in perspective...empty eating has lost it's appeal to me. It's not an activity that fills an emotional need for me. Now I still indulge - it's just a more concentrated enjoyed thing... and in smaller amounts. This is a good thing I think. It was so different to indulge slightly here and there and not feel guilty, knowing that it will work itself out, because I will be back at the gym and will continue to be eating healthy...because that's life now. And life is good.
This AM after a week of no official workouts (but much busyness) I came in for spin and sculpt class. I can tell it was too long of a holiday from workouts...I actually got dizzy during the sculpt part of class and had to forgo some bicep curls for just standing and breathing and not getting too dizzy...strange, but not entirely unexpected. I have a low blood pressure so if I go all out and I'm not used to it, I can faint. I know the signs and I didn't let it get to that point, but It was a reminder to me that I should really plan a few workouts over long periods off from the gym. We did get lots of walking (and dancing!) in this holiday, but nothing like the intensely focus workouts I was getting prior. I have to admit, the rest was nice, but I was missing the feeling of physical exertion by the end of the holidays. It's nice to be back into it now. I am dreading the way the gym will be overcrowded the next month or so, but that too will pass...I've never quite understood why some people need a new year to resolve to make changes, but to each their own. I have always been the sort to just do things when I'm good and ready :)
Now...time to get back to work (sigh), and it's final crunch time on my thesis. I dread it, but I am excited for it, because I know this is it - the last stretch! I will work my hardest to get it done for approval in March to decent in April. This may not happen, and I may drag it out over the summer time to preserve my sanity, but I'm giving it a good honest try. I feel refuelled again and ready to push thru. I've had time to relax with family and friends and read books for fun...and I know when I'm done this last stretch of hard work my AWESOME life is there waiting for me. I've had a little bit of it and it encourages me. :)
Further up and further in :)
5:30 came way too early today.
I've had a lovely holiday. Pity it wasn't just a wee bit longer.
I had a nice 10 days off work. Most of that was spent putting on and tearing down an all night space themed electronic music party, but that too went well. We sold out and raised 900 for a local charity. We had an absolute BLAST and it was worth all the hard work. Then it was relaxing and laziness with family. Lots of nibbles and good wine and despite my compete inattention to food intake, I really did not do too badly. I've found the emotional attachments I have to food are not quite the same any more - which is good. Yes, some food still makes me happy because they are just plain delicious (like chilled gawerztraminer and pomegranates and cheese of any kind!) but I just can't *eat* like I used to. Eating is not in and of itself an event. I don't even know how to describe it, but it's not as important anymore. It seems this whole MSc thing has put this and other things in perspective...empty eating has lost it's appeal to me. It's not an activity that fills an emotional need for me. Now I still indulge - it's just a more concentrated enjoyed thing... and in smaller amounts. This is a good thing I think. It was so different to indulge slightly here and there and not feel guilty, knowing that it will work itself out, because I will be back at the gym and will continue to be eating healthy...because that's life now. And life is good.
This AM after a week of no official workouts (but much busyness) I came in for spin and sculpt class. I can tell it was too long of a holiday from workouts...I actually got dizzy during the sculpt part of class and had to forgo some bicep curls for just standing and breathing and not getting too dizzy...strange, but not entirely unexpected. I have a low blood pressure so if I go all out and I'm not used to it, I can faint. I know the signs and I didn't let it get to that point, but It was a reminder to me that I should really plan a few workouts over long periods off from the gym. We did get lots of walking (and dancing!) in this holiday, but nothing like the intensely focus workouts I was getting prior. I have to admit, the rest was nice, but I was missing the feeling of physical exertion by the end of the holidays. It's nice to be back into it now. I am dreading the way the gym will be overcrowded the next month or so, but that too will pass...I've never quite understood why some people need a new year to resolve to make changes, but to each their own. I have always been the sort to just do things when I'm good and ready :)
Now...time to get back to work (sigh), and it's final crunch time on my thesis. I dread it, but I am excited for it, because I know this is it - the last stretch! I will work my hardest to get it done for approval in March to decent in April. This may not happen, and I may drag it out over the summer time to preserve my sanity, but I'm giving it a good honest try. I feel refuelled again and ready to push thru. I've had time to relax with family and friends and read books for fun...and I know when I'm done this last stretch of hard work my AWESOME life is there waiting for me. I've had a little bit of it and it encourages me. :)
Further up and further in :)
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