Thursday, January 12, 2012

Tag, you're it

OK.
Sleep goes a long way to restoring sanity.
It looks like we might be able to get away this weekend as well too.
When it rains it pours...thankfully I've found my umbrella far back int he wardrobe after much looking.

My knee hurts still, so I didn't work out today. It's definitely the old achey injury that only rest will cure, so that it what it will get. Until I can get me a robot knee, I need to be kind to it. GOing to spin on tuesday was likely a dumb thing to do. Rest is best.

Over the last few days I've come to terms with the fact that being so busy over the last few months is starting to change me, and not in a way that I like. I have found myself becoming introverted, and focused. This was necessary, yes, to get things done, but I was also pushing away J and others that love me and support me. I have done things that hurt these people closest to me, under the misguided assumption that because I was at ease with them, they would somehow understand when I did things that hurt them or made them feel rejected and less important. That it would be OK for them. This past week I knowingly (and admittedly unthinklingly) after having a long terrible day did something small, yet big, and the events that whirled after have led me to take a long look at myself.
I am going to go and meet with a counsellor to try and sort out all this craziness and try to get to know myself again. Luckily my job has an employee assistance program to help me. I am going to use it. I need to understand why I do these unkind things and not do them. How to deal with all my stresses. When push comes to shove I do not want to become the person I am beginning to become - this will stop now if I have anything to do with it. I also want to rekindle closeness and sincerity with the man I love. It is hard and I have been ignoring it under the guise of "no time for that". That is stopping.

In the midst of all this I still have a thesis to write. How and when I am not entirely sure, but my father (sweet sweet man) has offered to help me with another semester of university, so that if I must take longer to finish, that the stress and worry of the cost of it all does not loom over my head. He told me about how he ha to extend his MSc for similar reasons and understands what it's like...and doesn't want me to be so stressed out over everything. This way the money I had to pay back to the government is not looming guilt over my mind as I try and slog on with life and school and make amends. It's a daunting task that seems to be taking over my life, and I resent it for it, but yet know that it is my fault for putting myself in this situation. It's sparkly panty time.
All in all it's been a very weird week. But ultimately good in the end for all that has come out of it for me. What a week. Ugh.
It's reminded me that life does not stop for school. That after it, it is here, and IT is what is the key to all of this and not some words on a page. Somehow I have to find a balance and finish this up.

We shall see. I hope this weekend away is a time to reconnect with J. To meet him in a level place, away from home, to just be together without worries or stresses and remember just why this life we have together is so wonderful. I hope it is a good time and not stressful or difficult. We both know what we need to do, and how we feel. I have hurt him inadvertantly and I want to make a start at rebuilding his trust with me. It's a bit like playing lego blindfolded...all the parts are there...just a bit of a struggle to find the way they all fit together...just need to hook them up together again so that things are where they should be.

WIsh me luck.

1 comment:

azusmom said...

Hi.
I've been where you are. It sucks, and it's hard, but you CAN get through it, and come out stronger on the other side, both individually and as a couple.
You have to forgive yourself, as well. Really and truly. It will take time, but it's important.
Take care, sweetie!
xoxox