small talk

I am proud of myself. I'm volunteering at an event on saturday (party with DJs and fine people) and JJ is away for 4 days so I was on my own. I went to the crew meet up at the local brewery last night and managed to talk to people and hold conversations and not just stare at people drooling or make them uncomfortable from my lack of social skills he heh. I even cracked the wise a few times. They weren't uncomfortable when they found out why I was having surgery monday. Just nice people. Hooray. I need to stop with the social anxiety and get out more. Practice makes...well not sucking at least.

There's hope for me yet.

Prairie Sun brewery is a neat little place. They've got a small pub in the front of their brewery where they make about 8 kinds of really nice beer with a few seasonals that really sing (they have a chocolate porter right now that's divine) and also serve a few pubby foods (slider burgers, pizza and the like). They're sponsoring the party on saturday so we got some free nibbles while we planned our attack for the evening. I tried out some brews and took a growler of nice ale home for tomorrow night for a BBQ out at a friend's place so I am happy about that. I plan to be back to refill it often.

I am most happy though that I was able to be out and about as me. To interact with people...to help talk and plan things. On my own. It's like coming out of a cave and blinking in the sunlight...when you haven't been social for a long time you almost forget how to. It was a bit scary but it wasn't exhausting...just fun. It looks like good crew of people and I'm looking forward to saturday. One last proper ass jiggling before I go under the knife one last time. I'm hoping I'll be up to a night of dancing by then.

Just 2 more days of work and I'm off for a week. I need a break. Yes it's a surgery but I'll take it...

wednesday waiting

Trying to get healthy for monday. So far I only have a sinus thing going on. Likely mostly allergies. It's an unusually early spring this year with lots of leaf and snow mold...and they're doing the street sweeping...and there was a fire at a city tire yard last night which didn't help with the air quality. I'm still doing all I can to boost my immune system so I stay like I am. I can deal with a bit of a stuffed head and it won't put off my surgery.
Thank frog.
When I started getting a tickle in my throat and a stuffed up head on friday I was quite surprised at just how visceral a reaction I had to the thought of having to postpone my surgery. It would be a very bad thing for me. Oh yes, I'd deal...but I don't want to. So I'm in defense mode. Lots of rest and many concoctions to boost my system. All my concoctions of ginger, cloves, fresh lemon and honey seem to be helping. I was adding turmeric but by gawd it tasted awful, so I've just taken to cooking with it and leaving it at that. I've had rum with lemon and honey and hot water (and in diet coke ahem) as well...just in case :P. I've  tried to use as much fresh garlic as I can lately, and eating a few cloves a day. I've even grabbed out my humidifier to use in the bedroom and it's really helping me sleep - I'll definitely keep it out. I've even been having lots of protein every day this week on the recommendation of my doc to help healing afterwards. I've not been exercising as much as I'd like since I'm a bit beat down, but I have been doing my physio. I'd rather not push myself and get sicker...

And so...I've been diddling through this week. Slow week at work and at h ome. Trying not to think about surgery while thinking about surgery (sigh). Doing some chores around the house. The only downside to this allergy thing is our yard desperately needs to be raked - it snowed in the fall before I could get out all the leaves and our front and back yard look terrible. Everyone is out puttering in their yards and I'd like to get the yard ready before my surgery since I won't be able to do anything like raking for about 4-6 weeks after so it will just have to wait or my allergies will go ballistic. Why doesn't J do it you ask? Oh har har...darling no. Just no. As the duties of life have been divided up it has been decided that for the most part J doesn't do yardwork without a pitchfork pointed at him...and to be fair, honestly I enjoy doing most of it so he usually doesn't have to. He doesn't see it as a priority, whereas me I like to keep the leaf mold and other weedy stuff to a minimum. Plus I just like working outside.

As such, we'll see...we may be "that house" this year until I recover a bit. I am hoping that we can get the front yard redone this summer so it won't matter. I need to get on that...Once this surgery is over then I will be able to push past it into life again. So much of the last few years has been dictated by medical appointments and things out of my control and it will be scary but liberating to just be able to do whatever the hell we wish again (well within reason and work and such of course).

Hope you're having a good hump day. So far I am.

Blessed are the wierdmakers

This article here has a lot to say about how I feel sometimes. Why I am so anxious and emotional sometimes. It defines what is always in the back of my mind. Every ache and pain is a new question. IT sneaks up on you when you least expect it...when you're having a lovely evening or conversation and sometimes....I just have to ignore it dancing madly in front of my brain and pretend everything is fine...because people generally don't want to talk about that kind of stuff. I get it now -I understand now how people who've been through a serious tragic event or accident would want to ignore it. How they would drink or abuse themselves to dull the constant "hey remember this?" in the back of their head....because it never goes away. Because you just have to figure out how to live with it. I hope that by the time I'm old it will fade...that as the years tick by the voice will weaken and lose it's intensity because of how long I've dodged the inevitable. Maybe. I hope so.

So what do you do about it?
Well...You live.
You love.
You do the things that make you happy and spend time with the people you love. You make delicious food and eat it. You try not to hide at home in your cocoon and go out and live your life. I've started to make a list of things I want to see and do so I can get to doing them- not so much a bucket list...just to solidify what I want to do in my mind. I need plans to make things happen. If you don't have plans and goals sometimes things never happen and I don't want to look back and wonder "what if". I admit it's a struggle sometimes to not try and make every little thing important. To feel like I'm here for a grand purpose and I'm just pissing my life away with the mundane laboriousness of the everyday life. I have been trying lately to not ignore boring chores and necessary life things for more enjoyable things...because they're a part of life too. Big girl sparkle panties are a must this spring fashion season.

Y'know, Life is wierd.
But then again so am I....so I figure it'll all work out in the end.

the beautiful people

This weekend was my friend Kim's birthday. It meant a road trip to Regina with friends for a big house birthday party at their house. Got all nostalgic being back in my old home town. I relaxed and danced and had such a nice time. I reconnected with my friends and made a few new ones. Even stopped in at Burger Baron (there's no local one...sniff) before we headed home with the whole Saskatoon crew. My crew.
It's good to have friends. When you feel lonely and then there's all these wonderful kind people who make you laugh? Well. There's nothing much better than that.
I forget sometimes that it's not just me and J in this big crazy world. There are some lovely people who choose to be my friends and I am so grateful for them. We are wierd and we are shiny and it gives me hope that in the midst of all the humdrum and tediousness there is joy and laughter. I'll take it whenever I can get it.

Yes. Good weekend really.

Revelations

Yesterday I spent part of my day in an Mental Health Awareness Training for Managers class. I learned a lot...not only about how to help and what is appropriate for me to do to help my staff BUT I also, unfortunately, learned a bit about myself.

During the class the discussion and description of depression and anxiety made me stop and think. There was a lot of time spent looking at depression and emotional issues not so much as sadness, but as a dislocation from regular life. As the need for having to back away from social things and life events because it's too much to process...an overload that causes anxiety. Social anxiety at the thought of going out, even with good friends. Have angry responses to demands that seem burdensome when they previously were OK. Spending time alone to process life and finding no joy in things that formerly brought you joy and interest.

Hello me lately.

It's a bit of a kick in the arse to see it in black and white, but it would appear that my tamoxifen is giving me issues...it's clinically known side effect and I've been trying to pretend like I can fix this on my own, but I am wondering now if that will work. I'm assuming that the changes in my body chemistry are the cause...I don't know what else it could be. God knows I've been through enough shit in the last few years to warrant a bit of blue, but why now if not for that reason? I'm giving myself until after my surgery when I have my physical with my doc to try and fix this with exercise and vitamin D and healthy livingish type stuff. Exercise endorphins help too...but they only go so far and last for so long. I can't do crazy hard core workouts right now so I'm restricted in that regards and I don't want to get weird and unhealthy with my approach to food an exercise thinking it will some how "fix" me if I just did it right...because that's just one more things for me to be sad about. If it doesn't get better maybe I'll do something sooner if it really gets to me...I dunno. I just know I don't want to be this way anymore. It's been months and months of this...I get days of respite and feel better for a bit, but it always comes back. I'm starting to see for the first time just how J feels when he has bouts of  depression...and man -I don't like it. I am not myself.

Although there are decent days where I'm jsut a bit numb or blue, I will admit to having days where I'd prefer to hide in a blanket fort with the covers and hide. I've pondered calling in sick to work. There are days when I am just numb or just...sad for no reason. When walking home I often think "I could just sit down and lay on the grass there for a while"...and tend to sleep a lot when I have free time. Now, it could just be that I'm tired and run down from exercising more and being busy...but not this much. It's too often and too frequent to ignore. I find it hard to focus on anything at work. I am normally a happy cheerful person and J is the one with this kinda problem. It's incredibly frustrating.

So what to do?
Guess I"ll find out.
There are a few medications like Effexor or Pristiq I could try for this that don't interact with my tamoxifen so I have 1 or 2 options that way, but a part of me just doesn't want to take medication any more. I am trying vitamin D and exercise for now. More pills doesn't seem like the answer. But...BUT the rest of me knows that if I have to take this drug for 10 damn years then I need to deal with this if it's going to be an issue and effect my life like this...because I don't like feeling this way. I did not fight for my life to have it be like this. Maybe I just need a bit of help for a while...?

Have any of you felt this way? Dealt with this? Have any natural supplements you could suggest? I've heard magnesium can help... It may be TMI but this blog is my sounding board for me to write out my thoughts and try and solidify things for me...so you're getting this too. Sorry.
Not Sorry.

I've really been working to stay active and exercise. My food isn't always great since I medicate my moods with food and lately they haven't been great. I've actually gained a few pounds while trying to get fit, but I'm reminding myself it's probably just muscles (I hope). I'm trying not to drink as a diversion and get out to do things with J and friends that I know I will enjoy. I'm doing what I can...I think. It's not all gloom. Just sometimes...and those times are more often than they should be.


We'll see...

Turn turn turn

My bus was a bit early today so I got to the gym in time to try their tuesday morning morning spin class...so I took a deep breath and tried it before I could chicken out. It was with Mel, my favourite old crazy instructor whose classes I used to love back before I was diagnosed. She's hard core. Yup - the fact that this was the first spin class since I started chemo so long ago was on my mind today. And you know what? I'm seat sore but I didn't die! :P

I mentioned to Mel beforehand that I was recovering from a surgery and would try not to slack, but needed to watch myself and be aware of my restrictions. I wanted her to know why I wasn't doing the pushups she does before class and might have to pull back if it's too much - didn't want to go into too crazy of details...just left it at that and pushed hard and rested when I needed to...and really enjoyed it. It was tough, yes, but afterwards I felt amazing. After class I did some leg lifts, butt raises and a few other ab things and called it a very good workout indeed. Perhaps I shall try to do this every tuesday. It certainly was a good start. I feel upbeat and content. It's been a while. If this is what I need to get here I'll do it.

It feels good to feel good and push myself and sweat. For the first day in a while I am excited to see what else today has to offer. I have a haircut and colour after work today and then it's a trek to get us our groceries...so here's hoping for a fabulous day.

Yes. Let's do it Rockapella.

A bit odd

I am torn between being a lazy sod and going hard core this last 3 weeks. Anywhere in between just feels like slacking, so I'd rather enjoy myself.

I have so much going on my life and I'd rather enjoy it...but I also don't want to feel uncomfortable in the summer and if I do my best then I should be content with whatever I am then. I am already a bit uncomfortable with my physique.
*sigh*
I just wanna work out hard core...but I can't yet. So I think hey - why not popcorn and beer?

I've gotta meet myself half way here...and I can't seem to find a balance. I eat for comfort so my relationship with food is not particularly normal...it doesn't help. Even thinking about it this much annoys me.

What's it like to be a regular person for whom food is just fuel?
For me it's deliciousness that I thoroughly enjoy. A lot.
Ah well...
I am hoping more vitamin D will help my mood.
We shall see.
At the moment it is a bit odd I must admit...