This article here has a lot to say about how I feel sometimes. Why I am so anxious and emotional sometimes. It defines what is always in the back of my mind. Every ache and pain is a new question. IT sneaks up on you when you least expect it...when you're having a lovely evening or conversation and sometimes....I just have to ignore it dancing madly in front of my brain and pretend everything is fine...because people generally don't want to talk about that kind of stuff. I get it now -I understand now how people who've been through a serious tragic event or accident would want to ignore it. How they would drink or abuse themselves to dull the constant "hey remember this?" in the back of their head....because it never goes away. Because you just have to figure out how to live with it. I hope that by the time I'm old it will fade...that as the years tick by the voice will weaken and lose it's intensity because of how long I've dodged the inevitable. Maybe. I hope so.
So what do you do about it?
You do the things that make you happy and spend time with the people you love. You make delicious food and eat it. You try not to hide at home in your cocoon and go out and live your life. I've started to make a list of things I want to see and do so I can get to doing them- not so much a bucket list...just to solidify what I want to do in my mind. I need plans to make things happen. If you don't have plans and goals sometimes things never happen and I don't want to look back and wonder "what if". I admit it's a struggle sometimes to not try and make every little thing important. To feel like I'm here for a grand purpose and I'm just pissing my life away with the mundane laboriousness of the everyday life. I have been trying lately to not ignore boring chores and necessary life things for more enjoyable things...because they're a part of life too. Big girl sparkle panties are a must this spring fashion season.
Y'know, Life is wierd.
But then again so am I....so I figure it'll all work out in the end.