Each on e of us has things that we need. That drive us crazy. That we crave. This weekend I got to spend time with a dear old friend and see her transition with strength and beauty into a new life on her own. She and her husband were together for 20 years...and they have decided to go their separate ways. Being good friends with both of them, it is hard to see them both so indifferent to each other now but I am so grateful that they are being civil and decent and doing their best for their kids. I went out for a meal with them and the kids to see them all (which I'm not gonna lie was hideously awkward and sad for me) but they were civil. I am still wrapping my head around it, but seeing Cindi happy in her new home and moving on with confidence and style and strength is a wonderful thing. I know this is the best for them - when you are unhappy and you both are not willing to work on things...that's when you need to step back, gather your dignity about you like a shield and move on.
At the end of the weekend J and I had a hideous argument based on previous things and mistakes were made by both of us. It really was awful. We have worked it out, but being in that sort of a place after seeing my friends separated really made me think about what I want and need in my life. I thought about hat I need to do to make things work better, not just for us, but for me. What I need from J for things to work better. What I need from myself. What I deserve. We both are willing to work at things - which makes me happy, because I think that is where things fall apart - when there's no impetus to keep going, to me that is when it gets weird. For now, slowly, changes need to be made for both of us and I hope that it will lead to us both being more solid, contented people, both together and apart. It has really inspired me to work on my self FOR myself and to see what changes treating myself and others with respect will bring to my life.
I have been reading the Warrior Goddess book by Heatherash Amara and I have been finding it to be amazingly helpful. Not hippy dippy. I highly recommend it. I have also been reading Scattered by Gabor Mate and it has been a huge insight into my ADD (which chemo has really caused to be more prevalent) and JJ's (I really think he's got this going as well). Also really well written, practical book by a medical doctor who has ADD...I am learning a lot. I have another book by Pema Chodron waiting that was recommended to me that I am looking forward to as well...I have the Hoopla app on my phone now so I can listen to books directly if they're at the library. And thanks to my meds I can read them and hear them and actually remember them!! Seeing things is the first step to deciding how to improve them. I want to work on both my mind and my body. A dear old friend has sent me a link to a 8 week online workshop for dealing with stress and anxiety and I am finding it helpful. The thing is -I have a whole life ahead of me - I owe it to myself to really look at the parts of me that do not bring me dignity and respect and work to change them for myself and those I love. And to love me just the way I am. Because really - I am awesome.
Exercise wise I have been consistent. I've tried to eat well, with the odd "happy meal" and some beer and wine here and there and I am getting stronger and leaner. My jeans that were tight and muffin toppy are now loose. I could do 10 push ups on my toes yesterday at my tabata class before I had to go down to my knees. :)
AND!! And I finally have the date for my plastic surgeon appointment - it's the end of April, but at least I have a date. I have a few months to really dial it in and get fit and toned to my liking so that when I see him I will be working with the "me" that is the healthy me and hopefully he can help me make my foob look a little more smooth edged. I found a new bathing suit when I was visiting Cindi this weekend and I am so looking forward to wearing it this summer. (bathing suits are stupidly expensive...what's with that??) The top is a tank style top with a cool lattice back that looks like a darth vader chest panel (I *KNOW*!!! NERD SUIT!!!). The bottom is a pair of black swim shorts that look awesome - they weren't a full suit but I think they look great together and the bottoms will go with a lot of my other bathing suit tops. I have a real trouble finding suit bottoms that don't bulge weirdly or fit wrong and I like to have ones I feel comfortable wandering about in at festivals. I have one suit bottom I like that has a skirt on it but it's a bit big, and having another option like this that I am totally comfy in, looks great and I can dance in will be fabulous. It's a small. A small!!!
|The logo I made. Hee Hee. Science.|