This weekend was something else. Poor J worked pretty much all weekend and I, altho I had great plans, didn't get much done. Yes I took down all the christmas decorations (*sigh*), but then instead, every time I tried to focus on working on my thesis papers I got a heart clenching ball of ansgt in my stomach. Eventually it was to the point where physically I couldn't deal with it and I panicked, curled up on the couch under a blanket...and then...I ate. I focused my whole mind on the feeling and emotion of eating and blocked out everything else. Sure I ate relatively healthy stuff (my weight in rice cakes I think), but I haven't done that in ages. It freaked me out...I'm an emotional eater, regardless of what I try and tell myself. I've worked hard to separate food from life and emotion, because it really is my biggest challenge, but what happened can only really be described as a bit of a binge...I tried to fill the empty angsty hole with food, like it was salve on a wound.
Eventually, I gave up, shook my head and resorted to seeing if I could distract myself and ended up watching old high school vampire movies and scifi (Fright Night, Lost Boys and Starship Troopers) and drinking wierd concocted martinis and babbling with friends online and on facebook...and then thankfully J came home late from work and he dragged me out to dance my blues away. And it did. Dancing and music for me can change my whole mindset. I danced to the songs played by a friend of our friends who was in town for the night playing music and came home happier. Not totally better, since it's not like I got to doing much of anything productive on sunday either, but no attacks. Instead I cleaned house and spent time making healthy meals for the week: red river banana date muffins for snacks, pumpkin carrot bean soup for lunches and mexican pulled chicken (best new recipe I've tried in years) for tonight's lunch, since it'll be rushed with bellydance class tonight.
What have I learned? Well, for one, grad school really did a number on my head. I NEVER want to go back to that level of stress and anxiety again. I need to get some work done, so I need to just face up to it and ease into things and start. Also - I've decided a few things. The next time this sort of thing comes my way I will just force myself to get up and just DO something. Anything. If it weren't hothlike outside I would have gone for a run or a walk, but being trapped inside in -35C can really force you to be creative. I should have done something physical or distracting like on sunday. I could have worked out to see if it changed my mood...I bet it would have.
And so this morning I have gotten up and come in to work out for a sculpt class with a goal for this week...I am focusing on my health. Healthy foods, exercise and day by day hour by hour focus on what is best for me. No more beer until the end of the month, and then, only on the weekends. I need to start listening to what I need, to fill my time with things that help me. Day by day.
Here goes nothing. :)