Sunday, May 15, 2011

Abnormally normal

I've been thinking as I continue to avoid working on my MSc stuff today (ahem)...

How many of us set an unreasonable goal weight? I mean, I had no idea how much muscle I could gain and be thin like I am. I'm far from perfect, but I had this magical number in my head as to what I wanted to be. I didn't quite get there, I'm about 8 Lbs off...but I look great. Lower than I ever thought I'd get. I'm coming to realise that the way I would have to eat and live to be at the lower goal weight I had in mind and have the perfect ass may just not be something I am willing to do long term. And I may be OK with that.
Don't get me wrong. My body is my temple. I exercise 5 days a week and (mostly) eat very well. But am I willing to live on weird supplements and odd meals of things that aren't satisfying to me to look a certain "perfect" way? I don't know. What if that wasn't maintainable? I really like food. I like feeling healthy. I don't want to beat myself up about not being "perfect". I think I'm good just the way I am, but yet there's a little voice in my head whispering "that's just cause you don't want to try harder". And I want to ask that voice - "how much harder can I try? What else could I do without being miserable?".
I want to live, not spend my days obsessing over calories and food and exercise. There was a time in my life when I just lived. I ate. I did things. I was just me.I want to reach that point again, only be healthy about it...
I know it's a constant consistent thing. I'm OK with that part. I can exist as I do now indefinitely I think and keep an eye on myself so I stay around where I am now.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. All I know is as my life returns to normal after my MSc - THAT is where it's going to get messy. Having my life back. Free time. Blessing and a curse...

Thing is - I've been thinking and as much as I really want to be done my MSc and just be normal again...it totally Freaks Me Out.

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