Thursday, October 15, 2015

Anxiety - I haz it

Last night I went to see Delhi to Dublin and it was a great show. So much positive crazy energy. Their music is so unique and so infectious - they are a great band to see live. I danced my feet off. Now I am super tired today since we got home late and so I slept in the extra hour this morning, but I plan to work out when I get home. I was pretty creaky and stiff from all the dancing so I figured it would be better to rest and do this instead. I could dance all night and not be tired though. Yes, that is what I'm doing this for - to be able to enjoy life. It was good to get out and enjoy myself for the evening. As always it was a bit awkward being social and meeting a few new people but I really tried to be more outgoing and I think I did OK.

I spent a lot of time thinking about things yesterday...maybe too much. I don't know. I realized that although I'm doing well physically and am back at work I am finding that mentally I'm really disjointed. Also I'm trying to work to plan things to reno our bathroom with my dad next month and am getting waaaaayyyyy to stressed out over it...it's annoying. Anxiety - I haz it. I need to get it done before my surgery and my Dad also has a minor surgery that month too...I worry the tub I ordered won't arrive in time and we'll just have a hole in our bathroom with no tub or anything for weeks. Ugh.
And honestly, although I need to think about a lot of things I also don't want to. I'm usually a positive person and there is so much to be excited about in the next few weeks here....but lately it's been really tricky to feel involved and excited in regular daily things. Regular exercise has helped definitely, but I still have periods where I feel quite odd indeed...detached. Like when I was grieving the loss of my mum for a better way to describe it. Regular life is, after all, the point of life but sometimes I just want to hide under the duvet and let someone else adult. Lately some of the responsibilities I have make me tense up and worry like I have not ever done before and I'm thinking something is up. Apparently tamoxifen hormone levels can f*ck with you a bit so there may be a reason...well other than the whole cancer thing. It's weird...it's not really survivor guilt...just a feeling like the floor is going to fall out from under me at any moment and I left my parachute at home. At any rate, I've decided to take advantage of my workplace's assistance program and talk to a counselor about all the feelings I have post-treatment to see if I can have help hashing things out that have been rolling around in my head. I have an appointment next week. I hope it helps. I described my life/work yesterday as onerous and it fits...but it shouldn't because it's not like I'm up against anything remotely like I was 2 years ago. Brains are fickle things...

But, I must get to my day. I hope you are all getting thru the week OK.
:)

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