Been thinking over my coffee break and had to writ e this down before it slipped away.
Thing is, it's kinda cool...this spring when I was feeling thin and sexy after working out a lot I went shopping and got 4 pairs of jeans...ones that fit. I knew I'd need them and being of curvy bottom and tiny waist it's tricky finding pants that don't gap on my waist right now with the low waist styles. They all fit like a glove BUT needed hemming. Then I got stupid busy and never hemmed them...and months later before our Europe trip I got all self deprecating about how I had nothing nice to wear on our trip (and truth be told nearly all my clothes were mostly either too big or worn out completely) so I went out to shop over the next few weeks for some shirts and a skirt and then I remembered the jeans...and after I bit up the nerve to try them on they still fit :) So I hemmed them up. We spent our holidays all spiffed up and snazzy. I wore skirts a lot. I wore accessories. We walked around Paris like we belonged there...and I liked it. I was comfortable...and in clothes I felt comfortable in I was OK being dressed up. I felt good.
Now that I'm home, I really don't want to return to frumptown anymore. I can't wear some skirts in the lab because of safety but that doesn't mean I have to go back to t shirts and plain ratty jeans again. I don't wear a lab coat at home...I feel like need to start acting more like myself (whatever that is) and wear what I like...and if necessary get more things so that I HAVE things to wear again. Maybe it's my brain trying to get a little control of the little things I can work on that's got me focused on this, but I'm realising that I deserve to treat myself to some nice things every once in a while. I'm 35...I think it's OK by now :)
It was cool shopping for clothes and only buying what I loved. Why? Because 90% of it FIT...and fit well. I am still often in the fat mode of buying things just because they fit, not because
I liked it on me. I used to hate shopping because it would be an exercise in frustration. That mindset is hard to turn off...but it was strange that as I shopped for the trip I actually put things back that fit because I didn't ultimately like them on me. Sure they were OK...but not what I wanted. A lot of the current styles are not my thing, so it's tricky. I tried on a LOT of stuff to find the things I loved, but I've learned that if I don't like how things fit me I won't wear it....I'll just look at how nice it is in the closet and put it back and opt for the old standard scruffy slobby clothes.
Europe has really put a bug in my ear or a fire under my butt or whatever euphemism you can use to say that I've started to look at myself differently. I don't know what flipped the switch but it's been flipped, and as it turns out...well...in my mind now I'm kinda cute actually. I can wear fitted clothes and not feel fat. Fitted used to mean "too tight" and I'd fidget or feel fat and uncomfortable even after I shrunk. Now it just means my clothes fit and altho I'm not perfect I don't have weird bulges or wibbles...just a bit of jiggle on what is mostly a rather nice me if I do say so myself. I'm OK.
It's so weird reformatting your brain...it's like a reboot. A cold start...but I'm warming up to it. Hopefully it sticks :)