Paranoia makes you blink!

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I must admit...I'm so incredibly paranoid about my knee. I kept focusing on it all day yesterday. I was a bit stiff from working out...what was that? A twinge? Am I stiff or sore? What does it mean? *sigh*

Every little nuance of kneedom was obsessed over to see if perhaps somehow I had aggrivated it on the elliptical yesterday morning. So, with the odd click in my knee last night, this morning I did some situps, curls, and some arm work with resistance bands and weights, but no cardio or knee stuff. I did some leg extensions and things recommended by my doctor to strengthen the muscles around the knee. I'm going to do them every day. My legs were stiff last night and it freaked me out. Perhaps too much, but what can you do? Colour me paranoid.

Truth is I *wanted* to do my Dance fusion workout DVD this morning...I want that endorphin rush, but there's lots of lunges and squats and stuff in it and...well...I honestly I swear that I would lose it if my knee goes on me right now. I would sincerely freak out, and get depressed, and it would impact my mood very negatively. I can't explain it, but after months off of it to heal and it being too cold out yet for me to walk in the morning is I *need* to exercise somehow.

In a time where I'm finally getting back together emotionally after losing Mum and my life is getting all crazy busy with work and my MSc and all the rest, I am making looking after myself a priority - the one thing I'm asking from the world for myself. It's what *I* get - I get to be healthy.

It's weird to write that out, considering I used to not even do anything, but I really want to find a way to get in my workouts and feel good and not be injured. Knees are tricky animals. And I'm only 36...jeebus. I shouldn't have these problems. I still feel like I'm 25. Heh...truth be told I feel *better* than I did when I was 25 now that I'm healthy...

I think it's kind of like the thing that urged me to lose weight in the first place - my body wouldn't let me live and do what I wanted to. Add to that seeing my Mum die of heart issues and it's got me really focused on looking after myself...and frustrated at finding the "right" way to do it without hurting myself. And I want to be at the point where I can run again this summer...I hope I hope...

SO...I'm maybe being a bit too paranoid...but...paranoia won out, and I didn't use my knee much this morning. And it will be OK...tomorrow I will do more cardio and my bellydance class is on, and friday my ball DVD again. On the weekend, after my day of MSc work I will hit the campus gym and see what they have to offer...

*topic change*

I won (yay) a copy of Core Fitness for Women in December (thanks!)...and I finally have time to read it over. I'm interested in the exercise aspects of it. I've declared my 15 minute bus ride here to work and home my "reading for me" time (sad I know, but I really am that busy). I just finished up West of Eden (good sci-fi) and so I've started in on it. The diet part is logical - sort of the way I already eat...only I apparently need more protein and fibre and could use some fish oils. We buy 90% of our groceries once a month and last night at grocery time -it was a grand super spendothon on healthy non-processed foods. This month has been declared a non-processed food month (not counting whole grain bread or buns). No pre-made stuff. Lots of healthy cuts of meat, grains and beans. Healthy lunches and snacks. I even have snow peas people...I will use all my kitcheny appliance friends to make wholesome meals, lunches, muffins and things for us that are healthy and good for us...and still have time for all the 20 zillion things I have to do. (knock on wood)

I'm really interested in the exercises part of the Core book. I'm not skipping ahead and being good and reading it all, but I'm hoping it will have some good workout things for me to do. I don't need to be hardcore or anything...I'm just looking to find some nice varied daily workouts. On days I work I will also workout...Sundays are a free day. Free for eating a bit more (multi grain pancakes...I cannot resist you...) and sleeping in and relaxing.

I'm rambling out my stress...I really should get to work.

Phew.

Wish me luck.

Oh interwebby friends:

If anyone has any suggestions for extra fibre (other than a glass of pink lemonade metamucil every day that I'm going to start up this month after my doc's repeated suggestion...nothing makes you feel old like that!) or protein in my diet let me know. I've got all bran to add to muffins, I have oatmeal for breakfast and I just made some apple oatmeal muffins for the week. I know I could add protein powder to fruit smoothies, but for some reason I hesitate. It's like I'm cheating. What do you think-Is shelling out the $20 for a big jug of vanilla protein worth it to supplement our diet?

I bought enough real meats and things to fill in proteins this month, but it's really freaking expensive (seriously...my jaw dropped at the till last night-it's never been that high before.) to do that. I'm looking at other alternatives to cut cost a bit...it just went against my month's "no processed foods" thing to use protein shakes this month. I'm interested in what you think of them though - do they really make a difference?