It's so quiet now.
I'm back home from my Dad's...Mum's funeral is over and I feel both wooden and peaceful. And tired. It was so great to see all of my family and see so many people I have not seen in years...and Mum's memorial was very sad, but wonderful. She would have loved it. She was a wonderful woman. Sometime when I feel I can, I'll post a bit of a memorial. Right now...its not time yet.
It seems so strange to be back home, and having to just "go back to normal". I'm so glad my Dad is going to come stay with us for a while to work on renovations for our kitchen...then he won't be alone too much at first. It's the hardest part really - seeing your father so devastated. I know he'll be OK eventually. We all will...It warms my heart to know how many people loved her and hear all their kind words...but I'd trade it all to have her back.
I miss her.
And I want to ask all of you out there - please when you run into people on the street, unless you actually care or really want to know PLEASE don't ask them "how are you?" I got that all the time while Mum was sick and after she died. Not only did I not always want to talk about things...but sometimes I could tell they didn't want to know and didn't care, and the last thing they would expect (often not knowing what was going on) would be for me to start sniffling and looking at my feet. It was not concern but just the tacky reduced equivalent of a hello...which when your life is floating away into tiny bits and all you want to do is hug your Mum and you can't is a very hollow experience.
BUT...I will say, all my friends and family have been wonderful. I know that in time I will be OK. I'm strangely peaceful about everything, despite the sadness. I'm so glad I got to say everything I wanted to and just be with her and my family up until the end of it all.I'm just not entirely sure how to get back into life again...it'll be strange.
Thank you, all of you, for your kind thoughts and words. Such compassion from people I've yet to meet in person warms my heart.
I'm taking a break from fitness, although I've tried to look after myself and eat well. As of next week I will do my morning workouts again. I'm ready for that. I'm just not so sure about the rest of life yet. We shall see...