Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Repairs and Mountains and Music

down from the ridge on a snow packed ascent
Hello.
It's been a while, but I'm doing well. Really. It was up and down but I had some really good times with myself and feel like I'm in a good place at the moment.
Akamina Ridge, Waterton National Park
The hiking trip was wonderful - I hiked up 1000m to the Akamida Ridge and had 2 great hikes with my friends. I can still do what I love. I was full of joy to be able to do this again. To be healthy again. It went OK having J there and the weekend was overall a good thing. Had some great visits around the campfire with old friends. After that J was gone for a few weeks working so I had time to myself to organize and think and get at peace with myself. This past weekend was Astral Harvest Music Festival and although I would have liked to camp with my friends that I usually do camp with our van was stuck in a muddy area so we were separate, but still ended up having some good times with new people despite that. It was a different experience, but overall a good one. I spent time with good people and J and I had a real heart to heart talk at one point where I was able to really pour out my feelings and feel like I was heard. He really heard my hurt and what really was bothering me and I told him what I had been thinking and I have started to put together what I would like to do moving forward to make things better for us and myself.


lunch view from on top of the world
 highest point of the hike
With my counselor and a few books help (like the great book Fuck Feelings - I'd highly recommend it) I've started to look at what I will accept and what I will not in my relationship and life and although there are some things I need to address in myself, there are a lot of things I need to do in my relationship to delineate what I need and want and will accept. Over the past few weeks I have visited and talked with a few very close friends and vented and learned that yes I am taking too much sometimes and no I shouldn't anymore - that there is no reason for me to accept unacceptable behavior or words from anyone -even my husband. I confirmed that I need to be strong and stand up for myself, if only by walking away or being willing to take a stand about what I feel is acceptable or not to work to make things better. Most importantly that I cannot and should not try to fix problems in other people that I have no control over. There are ways I can work to get J to help more in the house. I can say no to things and still be a good person. It's going to be a challenge, but together we are going to try to see what we can do to repair things and I hope that this will begin something new and positive. I am looking after myself instead of putting everyone else first instead...it's odd and slightly guilt making, but a good way to move forward I think. We shall see how it goes.

For now - it's back to work for a few weeks before a big holiday away in BC and Oregon.
Life's a tricky thing. We must embrace it and live it and cherish and build the relationships in our life that mean the most - and these should bring us kindness and happiness, not sorrow and pain. I am willing to work to try and fix things. I hope we can.

1 comment:

Yum Yucky said...

This post makes me so happy. Not only are you finding yourself in a new way, but there are pictures of your smiling face. Yes, I enlarged the first pic to get a close up of your happy smile. Rock on, Geo. xoxo