A good friend of mine is close to me in age (43) and hasn't met anyone she wants to be with, but does want to have a child. She's been thinking about it for a while and has decided to go it on her own. She's going to try to get pregnant in the fall. 
Tonight she asked me to be with her in the labor and delivery as her companion when it all finally happens.
I am...stunned and honored. 
I will never get to have that experience myself...I never thought I would have any part of that and made my peace with it.
...I am speechless that I will get to be there as she experiences it and be a part of that with her. 


Uterus for sale! Get yourself a uterus here!

Well...still looking for answers.
Going on 5 weeks now.
This is annoying.
I've had scans that show my uterine lining is very thick. I have to have a uterine biopsy and see my doctor tomorrow for a full physical but fully expect him to say - well what can ya do? This may be menopause. AGAIN. FFS. I have to wait a month to see the gynocologist because why would I want to know what to do now when I can wait another month...

What can't I do is more like it.
Nothing says lovin' like enforced celibacy with no known end in sight...and moody, hunger and tiredness. I mean I already did my good healing thing. I spent my time in sick land. I demand a reboot. Is this punishment for not working out regularly lately? If so mia culpa. I'll run more I promise.

Honestly? I'm starting to think that I'd to know what my surgical options are. Not that I want to have another operation but if my body is gonna keep doing this non stop I just want something done about it. I have no desire to hang around indefinitely and not have sex...ever...or months at a time. Plus if I'm at high risk of my uterus being stupid like my breast was a few years ago then it can fuck right off. It's not welcome here.

Yep, I am hot, grumpy and tired of this. It's not like I can have kids anyways so I'll happily donate my uterus to science. It certainly isn't helping me out at all.

Yep. I'm cranky.
*mumble mumble*
I built a nice shed with my dad  last week and need to do some work to finish it but I can't because it's been raining and today my neighbor who has decimated his yard to build a garage dug up a gasline so I've been unable to do anything involving gas or work in the yard like I'd hoped today. I could do other things but I'm grumpy. So nyeah.
I should just go to bed and stop mumbling.

So I probably have a polyp. It explains a lot, and is why I keep bleeding. By the end of July I get a day surgery to have a camera and surgical tools all up in there to remove whatever is making me miserable. If I'm lucky I'll heal up and then be back to normal...
Man I hope this does the trick.

Dear ovaries - you had one job. We talked about this. Chill out.

It's been 5 years since I finished cancer treatment and rang the bell. I can be considered a survivor now officially. I could be in a bit better shape and have put on a few pounds since I can't exercise while I am currently allergic to trees pollinating and can only breathe out of one nostril (oh joy), but hey but I am still here and am very healthy. I can run. I can dance. I have rebuilt my life into something I am rather happy with.

Girly possibly TMI alert!
Yesterday my body reminded me about my life and how things always change and that I need to be vigilant about my health. I am annoyed to say that for the first time in over 6 years I had a light period and some spotting. It's odd - I am supposed to be in chemically induced menopause but there was always a slight chance things could restart again. It's been long enough I figured I was done and I take tamoxifen daily to try and prevent it. Apparently my body has other ideas. I was enjoying this female holiday as one of the only perks of treatment and am rather annoyed to be honest.
I am trying not to worry, as it also means a bunch of tests to make sure this is just "normal...ish" so I'm scheduled for a bunch of scans and bloodwork and smears and pokes. I am also finally in to see a genetic counsellor for testing for mutations a mere 4 years after I asked for the meeting...sheesh. I am hoping all is normal and this is temporary....although that would mean I get to go through menopause AGAIN, and deal with all this business again or possible (ugh) have another surgery to remove some inner girly bits which really...I mean...what the f*ck? My tubes are gone and I'm effectively sterile anyways so what's up ovaries? Work with me here.

Ah - just needed to rant so I don't worry too much. I've talked about it with JJ and he's trying to be supportive and not worry too much either. He's been really busy with work lately so I don't see him much at all so I've spent a lot of time in my head, but he's there when I need him - love that man. I really am doing well other than the allergy things. Feeling a bit jiggly as summer comes and I haven't been working out much, but I am happy and healthy and things will be what they will. I just have to wait and see and try not to bleed all over things until I get this figured out....

Have a great day my good peeps. Be excellent to each other. :)

offer them an ear

"Imagine you're going about your day, minding your own business, when someone sneaks up behind you...You feel something press up against the back of your head, as someone whispers in your ear. "Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life.I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I'm not here, but don't you ever forget... one day I may just pull the trigger... or maybe I won't. Isn't this going to be a fun game?"
This is what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Any STAGE of cancer. Any KIND of cancer. Remission does not change the constant fear. It never truly goes away. It's always in the back of your mind. Please, if you have a loved one who has ever been diagnosed with cancer, remember this. They may never talk about it or they may talk about it often. Listen to them. They aren't asking you to make it better. They want you to sit with them in their fear... their sadness... their anger... just for the moment. That's it. Don't try to talk them out of how they are feeling. That doesn't help. It will only make them feel like what they are going through is being minimized. Don't remind them of all the good things they still have in their life. They know. They are grateful.
But some days they are more aware of that gun pressing into the back of their head and they need to talk about it. Offer them an ear.
Sherry McAllister"

Cosplay crafting 101

I am gearing up for the Calgary Comic expo with my girlfriends at the end of the month. I have a lot to make yet, but I think I'll get it done in time. I have a costume to sew (not too complicated - it's basically a school uniform and it's cut out -just needs sewing and accessorizing) and a prop to finish for it (a bit more complicated).  At the last minute I decided I am making Ryuko Matoi's red scissor blade to go with my costume of her -learning how to sculpt and build with mdf is fascinating. It's so much fun.  We're all also doing a team costume one of the days as a ghostbusters (we all have coveralls and patches and light up proton packs heheheh). The coveralls are all beat up discards from the mine where a friend works so we're gonna go as...wait for it...zombie ghostbusters! Heheh. I know! Don't judge me. We're gonna trash the coveralls even more and wear gross makeup and contacts and have fun with it. We are actually getting my friend Lisa to dress up this year in the group which is fantastic! She never has before so I am so excited. I'm gonna be zombie Spengler...cuz Egon is the best scientist haha.
And... I only have 8 days left to finish all my stuff...but I think I'll get it done. Heheh. We shall see. I have things to go to on the weekend and hopefully I'll still have enough time to get it all done around that. Making the prop piece has added a lot of work to the one costume so I'm gonna make sure I have the main costume done before I do all that, but I think it's's fun to make stuff. Almost as fun as wearing it to be honest :) The weather's been so nice I can work out in the yard and not fill the house with sawdust. far so good.

In regular life I've been trying to be more active and getting back to running again -I started the couch to 5K last week and it's going OK. My right knee has been it's usual annoying self, but I had some physio and learned it's related to my ITB band and a tight hip so I have stretches and exercises to strengthen things and it seems to be getting better. Foam rolling is helping a lot too. I'm hoping to workout at lunch more often at work with running and some other weights - it gets me out of my office for lunch and I have a membership to the great gym at the campus where I work as part of my salary so I might as well use it more. If I am at a gym I tend to workout harder since I made the fuss of getting there. Plus this way if I don't want to workout at home in the morning and I need to sleep in I can sometimes and have options. I can even go for a swim if I want too.

I really need more sleep than I used to and I have to look after myself better. It's exciting to do it though -I can't wait to get stronger. I feel so good after I workout and it's nice to have that happy buzz again.

Anyhoo...I should go finish up work. Hope you're all having a good day.

Please don't leave candles unattended

Montreal was a blast. I'm back and busy as a bee. Happy and healthy.

BUT I am here for a good reason today...something happened that I want to pass on to all of you to maybe keep you all safer.

Please don't leave burning candles unattended. If you like to burn them have them in holders but most importantly -Put them out when you are done and don't have tea lights or bare candles burning while you sleep or leave the room.



My friend's girlfriend is lucky to be alive after she had a candlelit bath and a glass of wine an and went to bed, forgetting to blow out a tealight candle she had going while in the tub. She luckily awoke to the alarm and a neighbor helped her escape. She managed to find her glasses and get out of the house full of smoke but they've lost almost everything...the fire destroyed most of the house and all of their stuff. She was in the hospital overnight with breathing problems. She said the smoke was so thick she couldn't see anything...if she wasn't totally familiar with her surroundings she probably wouldn't have found her way out.

So yeah. Please. Be safe.


I am leaving for Montreal in 2 days and I have so much to do at work before I go away for a week that I'm freaking out a little bit.

So naturally I'm here instead of working.

Yeah. I should go do that...

Funk Cancer and Week 3

This weekend was a lot of fun. A few of our friends who are promoters, once of whom just lost his mum to (fucking) cancer and who's significant other's mum is also fighting it got together with like-minded peoples and fueled our anger into something good -we threw a big cancer fundraiser party saturday night - Funk Cancer. Despite the stupidly cold weather we've been having (seriously -it's absurd - how many weeks can we be at -45 with the windchill?) we had a decent turnout and it was lots of fun.  It was 80s themed with so much love put into it. It was great to work on building a venue up and be creative with so many people who I'm proud to call my friends and see JJ get to do his thing as only he can. They built and painted giant Nintendo NES dance platforms, put a giant blacklight PAC MAN on the wall, built and painted a giant boom-box stage (complete with a cassette to flip over for each new artist!), giant Light Brites saying Funk Cancer (I made those heheh..), Donkey Kong barrels, a giant Etch a Sketch and great music. There was also a whole lot of many different cool things for the silent auction which raised lotsa cash too - still waiting on the final numbers. I bid on (and think I won) a small painting of one of the Ghostbusters heheheh so I got a little cheesy art for a good cause. I worked with JJ before and at the event to help build custom LED light bits for the stage and the light bars above the platforms and JJ laser mapped the stage elements to make the stage come alive. It looked AMAZING. All the proceeds form the silent auction and all profits went to the Canadian Cancer Society.
Main stage with laser mapping hee hee

NES platform test with discoball before doors opened :)

Since poor JJ was randomly and thoroughly sick, I helped him out as much as I could and we were working on it all weekend and were there all day for setup...then I didn't get home and to sleep after tear down until almost sunrise sunday AM but it man -was SO worth it. Poor JJ was sick a s a dog with a bad cold that snuck up on him on thursday so he was finally able to give in to it and just be sick all sunday. I fed him and made him sleep and he basically slept all day, poor guy. I left him with water and advil and fruit smoothies this am and hope another day of sleep will help him feel better. If not I'll take him to the doc today. His arm has been hurting him a lot too (not sure if it's a sprain or strain, but it's been really sore and achey for about 2 weeks now, so he needs to have it looked at). He leaves for Montreal on friday so I want him to rest up and feel better before he goes. Holidays when you're sick are no fun - and who wants to take the plague with you when you go?
So far I seem to have escaped his cold - I think JJ's mad 5 days work in a row with minimal sleep and lots of company in the house wore him out enough to catch something. I've just shifted into chemo level germophobe mode and although my hands are getting dry form over-washing I'm (so far) still OK. I'm just back at regular workouts again so I don't want to stop and be sick again. This long winter has been brutal for germs - when you're trapped indoors with everyone you get their germs too...Having friends stay with us while they apartment hunt made for enforced visiting too and their son who is 5 was an exhausting never ending ball of energy. I am pleased that they will be here soon (and in their OWN place) an introvert having someone in your house all the time is exhausting. I'm actually looking forward to JJ being in Montreal for a week prior to me so I can just have down time.

I finally feel like I"m getting strength back .There are faint muscles on my shoulders again and I feel stronger. Started Week 3 of Ripped in 30 and it was a new hard adventure this AM. Duck walks -oh. my. god. They look so simple...oh no. And all the arm stuff with monkey push-ups and tricep side raises. Oy. I modified the jump switch lunges because my knees cannot deal, but other than that I made it through it all...barely. I'm about 5 Lb down so far and feeling stronger so another week of healthy eating and regular workouts will be good for me I think. Just knowing I'm working at it is enough for me - I feel really good this AM.

But - I'm avoiding getting to work so I should just get to it.
Have a lovely and warm week peoples. Hug the ones you love.
And fuck cancer.

Week 2 here we go

Starting week 2 of the Ripped in 30. It seems easier overall this week (may just be in my head though) but way more core work. I think it's just more of stuff I like. I like the 30 seconds format too - I can do anything for 30 seconds. I only have to modify a few things because of my surgeries so I feel like I'm getting a solid workout even with those. As I get stronger I'll work to do that less, but I don't want to injure myself so I'm making sure I'm smart about it. I'm finding the eating more of a challenge really. It's easier on workdays, but when it's a weekend and I'm home by myself? So hard not to just nibble away my days. I've tried to have lots of healthy snacks around and stay hydrated which helps. I find I eat when I'm thirsty sometimes and really what I need is water instead. I'm trying not to obsess over food - I'm debating whether I want to track my meals or not because I know how obsessive I can get about it. I want to be aware of what I'm eating and portions but I don't want to get weird about it.We have company here too for a few days so I have to be open to more options and eat enough, but not too much. Ugh. I envy people who just eat for fuel. It's so much more complicated for me.

After one week of being hardcore food + workouts I already feel better. My muffin top is less and my pants feel a bit better. I've lost ~3 pounds (most of which I bet is water) but it's good to see a bit of progress and feel like I'm doing something useful. It's not really about the scale though and I'm not aiming for such drastic change. I'm only stepping on once a week - I want to feel stronger and be comfy in my clothes again. My abs are more visible again which is nice and my shoulders seem a bit more muscley which I have missed. So far? This program works :). I took an extra day off because it was a long weekend - I did fully plan to workout yesterday, but friends came to visit a day early without much notice so I was not able to fit it in before they came. That's OK though - we've gotten a tonne of snow the last few days and JJ has an injured wrist so I've been doing all the shoveling. Let me tell you - getting a sidewalk clear of 10 inches of snow and chipping off the ice is a solid exercise!

I should be off and get to the lab. Just wanted to touch in to say hi and be accountable to myself. Hope you all have a great week. Stay warm!!

Baby its Cold Outside

We're in the middle of  a hellish cold snap at the moment. It's hit -50C with the windchill a few times and at this very moment it's a balmy -41 C with the wind (-31 without). Needless to say since the mercury has dropped this low I've resorted to the bus in the morning. I hate to do it but it's dangerously cold out right now and I couldn't walk 45 minutes in this safely. It should break by the end of the month (oh please) and then things will get slorshy but much more reasonable. I've got an alpaca scarf which is lovely and soft and warm on my face and I've been keeping warm. I don't have to go anywhere this weekend except to the fabric store and to visit my adopted gramma Stella in the hospital (she took a bad fall, poor thing). I'll happily stay in where it's warm and craft away.

After a frustrating time finding something dressy that fits right to go out at the end of January I've gotten back to more intense morning regular workouts again. Part of that is going to bed on time - boring, but necessary. Proud to say that all week I've gotten up to do week 1 of my 30 day shred dvd and I haven't died yet so the yoga and swimming I've been doing when I can at work lately has definitely helped. This week I'm covering for someone at work so I've only been able to get away for one swim and might make yoga today at lunch (I hope I hope), but I have been good at workouts all 5 mornings this week. Yay me. This morning I almost slept in, but I still got up and I'm glad I did. Happy exercise endorphins really make my day better. It also sets me up to be diligent with my eating as well when I start my day off right. I feel a bit stronger already.

I need to find some healthy soup recipes. At a friend's suggestion I picked up a thermos and have used it to keep hot lovely soup for my lunches lately and it's awesome - even has a little spoon with it. Our lunch room microwaves are gross so this means I can eat my hot soup at my desk. I like it. I'd like to make big batches of soup like I used to over the weekend. Any recipes you like?

Monday is a holiday here - I totally forgot, but that's nice to have a break. JJ works all weekend, so at least I'll have monday off with him. I was supposed to go with him to a gig in another city saturday night, but a friend of his who is a lot more tech savvy is free to go as his legit helper so I'll be here instead. I am sad to miss the event, but I could use the down time to do some chores and get crafty.

My girlfriends and I are getting ready for the Calgary Comic Expo at the end of April so I have some sewing to do! This year I plan to be Ryuko Matoi from Kill La Kill in Kemui Senketsu (untransformed cuz I have no desire to be mostly nekkid) on one day and all us girls are going as some Ghostbusters on another one.
Ryuko Matoi in Senketsu

Yep. Possibly zombie ghostbusters...we shall see what our salvaged work coveralls look like first. Heheh. I love having friends as nerdy as I am. We all bought the proton packs that light up and make noise after halloween when they were on sale super cheap so even my friend Lisa who never dresses up  will be dressed up at the Con. They are tweedley cool :) I've got my Ryuko wig on order and am heading to the fabric store for some navy fabric to make Senketsu tomorrow afternoon...It should be a pretty simple comfy costume. Any costume where you wear running shoes is OK by me :)

BUT...I should get to the lab. Stay warm.
Later taters.