rawr

 I'm feeling pretty badass lately. 

I've been starting to use the bigger gym equipment recently in my training now that I've got some base strength and it may be childish but working with squat racks and big ol' lift bars  and leg press machines together with bench-pressing bigger weights has me very proud of myself. Rawr. My trainer has been working to strengthen me up all over and it's finally getting noticeable to me. I can lift things more. I can do a sun salutation on my toes. I feel muscles when I workout and see them start to peek out through my arms and abs. My weight is constant, but I am getting strong, so I know I'm making changes. Eventually I'll be able to lose a few # and there they'll be ready to show themselves off :)  I'll be sad when I run out of work benefits and have to scale way back with my trainer -I like her. She's really helped me fine tune my weaknesses and I hope I can budget things to at least meet with her occasionally still and keep my strength balanced and keep making gains in strength safely.

I so need to go shopping because I do need some new clothes for work. Most of my work stuff is just worn out. I feel more "adult" when I dress the part and altho I can't wear too nice things or they tend to get trashed in the lab I do want to not just wear nerd tshirts and jeans all the time - even tho it is annoying, I do see that I'm not treated as well by some academics when I do. Any power dynamics I can use in my favor I'm up for to be honest. Feeling spiffy makes me feel good too. I do refuse to get clothes that won't fit for long, or at least spend a lot of $$ on them right now so I'm trying to find used item while I'm working on me. A friend gave me some stretchy dress pants that are great for work- no pockets tho. *sigh*.

Going on a mini holiday to southern US for the eclipse in a month and I want to have clothes I feel good in. JJ and I are doing a road trip down to Texas to a giant eclipse music festival and there's a full solar eclipse during it. It's been a long time since we've just travelled and had fund and I really hope it is a good time. We haven't travelled with him not working or under a huge timeline for literally years and I really want this to be fun. Last major road trip we had just us ended in disaster. I do not wish to repeat that. I am hoping this will be a relaxing time to refresh and enjoy each other's company.

For now - I'll work on me. rawr.

Dost thou even hoist my bretheren

Hi again.
Felt like coming back today because I'm feeling pretty good. I did a thing. 

Lemme explain...

This fall I turned 50.
I know. It shocked me too. I am not that old. I call shenanigans. 

I came to realize that I'd stopped caring and put myself behind literally everything else over the last while. I'd lost strength, gained pudge and generally given up on spending time on myself. So -I decided in November to really make more of an effort to take care of me. I'm finally done my crunchifying post chemo meds (fuck yeah) and still seem to be healthy (knock on wood) so I used some of my work's health benefits to find a personal trainer who can work with me and all my surgical mods and work to make me strong again. Functionally. Instead of me winging it and ending up with injuries because I have weaknesses and don't know where they are or what I'm doing (or where to stop) to "push" and do bad things I am working slowly with someone who knows their shit to build strength all over. She isn't a slave driver - she's a "hey lets get you strong so you can enjoy your life and feel badass" sorta person. Plus she's a kinesiologist AND a giant nerd who likes anime and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. A good fit. I hope I don't run out of $$ for this. It's helped so much. 

It's been a struggle but I am feeling better. Something about getting up early to go in to work out makes me more attentive to me for the rest of the day too. Knowing I have to meet someone twice a week who gets paid whether I show up or not helps too - not gonna lie. I have to go to bed on time. I take my vitamins. I drink more water. Yes I still struggle to not drink too much and not eat lazy food and all the crunchy things, but having been in inst-amenopause a few decades early does a number on you and I'm tired of complaining and doing nothing that really matters about it.
I am feeling healthier while I complain...yeah that's it. :)

It's been about 3 months now of somewhat regular workouts with 2 strength train sessions a week and the others cardio and I'm getting stronger. My "fat clothes" are getting loose. I'm working past weaknesses and correcting them because Ashley my trainer can see where I am weak and help me work on them. That's worth the moola and I'll be sad when I run out of benefits and have to cut back on my time with her because she is really helping me fill in all the weak bits in my body so I can train more. 

After a knee wrench on the ice in early January and some sort of ridiculous toe thing that meant I had to get (gargh) a doc to do unfairly needley things to my one big toe I have been finally healthy for a few weeks and am getting back to strength training more now. It's fun. I feel badass.

I mean I can bench-press!! And that brings me to why I'm here today. This morning I used a squat rack for the first time in over a decade. It didn't hurt or crunch. I did 4 sets. Yes I am using an empty 45 Lb bar right now but I it IS 45 Lb...and I am doing it properly. I've been working to build up the muscles I lack and I hope to be able to get to the point in training (before I run out of money...sigh) to keep going and get stronger.

So far I've lost ~10 lb and gained muscle. Yes I'd like another 10 to leave too so some of my fave clothes would fit again, but I don't want to be stupid about it. I'm gaining a lot of muscle and in the end, I am working to feel good in my own skin again. I want to finish my 50th year being capable and strong and do things that are appropriate for me so I can healthy and strong.

Rawr.

So yeah -I hope you've been handling the winter blahs OK. I'm lifting heavy things over here. :)

Later taters