rawr

 I'm feeling pretty badass lately. 

I've been starting to use the bigger gym equipment recently in my training now that I've got some base strength and it may be childish but working with squat racks and big ol' lift bars  and leg press machines together with bench-pressing bigger weights has me very proud of myself. Rawr. My trainer has been working to strengthen me up all over and it's finally getting noticeable to me. I can lift things more. I can do a sun salutation on my toes. I feel muscles when I workout and see them start to peek out through my arms and abs. My weight is constant, but I am getting strong, so I know I'm making changes. Eventually I'll be able to lose a few # and there they'll be ready to show themselves off :)  I'll be sad when I run out of work benefits and have to scale way back with my trainer -I like her. She's really helped me fine tune my weaknesses and I hope I can budget things to at least meet with her occasionally still and keep my strength balanced and keep making gains in strength safely.

I so need to go shopping because I do need some new clothes for work. Most of my work stuff is just worn out. I feel more "adult" when I dress the part and altho I can't wear too nice things or they tend to get trashed in the lab I do want to not just wear nerd tshirts and jeans all the time - even tho it is annoying, I do see that I'm not treated as well by some academics when I do. Any power dynamics I can use in my favor I'm up for to be honest. Feeling spiffy makes me feel good too. I do refuse to get clothes that won't fit for long, or at least spend a lot of $$ on them right now so I'm trying to find used item while I'm working on me. A friend gave me some stretchy dress pants that are great for work- no pockets tho. *sigh*.

Going on a mini holiday to southern US for the eclipse in a month and I want to have clothes I feel good in. JJ and I are doing a road trip down to Texas to a giant eclipse music festival and there's a full solar eclipse during it. It's been a long time since we've just travelled and had fund and I really hope it is a good time. We haven't travelled with him not working or under a huge timeline for literally years and I really want this to be fun. Last major road trip we had just us ended in disaster. I do not wish to repeat that. I am hoping this will be a relaxing time to refresh and enjoy each other's company.

For now - I'll work on me. rawr.

Dost thou even hoist my bretheren

Hi again.
Felt like coming back today because I'm feeling pretty good. I did a thing. 

Lemme explain...

This fall I turned 50.
I know. It shocked me too. I am not that old. I call shenanigans. 

I came to realize that I'd stopped caring and put myself behind literally everything else over the last while. I'd lost strength, gained pudge and generally given up on spending time on myself. So -I decided in November to really make more of an effort to take care of me. I'm finally done my crunchifying post chemo meds (fuck yeah) and still seem to be healthy (knock on wood) so I used some of my work's health benefits to find a personal trainer who can work with me and all my surgical mods and work to make me strong again. Functionally. Instead of me winging it and ending up with injuries because I have weaknesses and don't know where they are or what I'm doing (or where to stop) to "push" and do bad things I am working slowly with someone who knows their shit to build strength all over. She isn't a slave driver - she's a "hey lets get you strong so you can enjoy your life and feel badass" sorta person. Plus she's a kinesiologist AND a giant nerd who likes anime and has a great sarcastic sense of humor. A good fit. I hope I don't run out of $$ for this. It's helped so much. 

It's been a struggle but I am feeling better. Something about getting up early to go in to work out makes me more attentive to me for the rest of the day too. Knowing I have to meet someone twice a week who gets paid whether I show up or not helps too - not gonna lie. I have to go to bed on time. I take my vitamins. I drink more water. Yes I still struggle to not drink too much and not eat lazy food and all the crunchy things, but having been in inst-amenopause a few decades early does a number on you and I'm tired of complaining and doing nothing that really matters about it.
I am feeling healthier while I complain...yeah that's it. :)

It's been about 3 months now of somewhat regular workouts with 2 strength train sessions a week and the others cardio and I'm getting stronger. My "fat clothes" are getting loose. I'm working past weaknesses and correcting them because Ashley my trainer can see where I am weak and help me work on them. That's worth the moola and I'll be sad when I run out of benefits and have to cut back on my time with her because she is really helping me fill in all the weak bits in my body so I can train more. 

After a knee wrench on the ice in early January and some sort of ridiculous toe thing that meant I had to get (gargh) a doc to do unfairly needley things to my one big toe I have been finally healthy for a few weeks and am getting back to strength training more now. It's fun. I feel badass.

I mean I can bench-press!! And that brings me to why I'm here today. This morning I used a squat rack for the first time in over a decade. It didn't hurt or crunch. I did 4 sets. Yes I am using an empty 45 Lb bar right now but I it IS 45 Lb...and I am doing it properly. I've been working to build up the muscles I lack and I hope to be able to get to the point in training (before I run out of money...sigh) to keep going and get stronger.

So far I've lost ~10 lb and gained muscle. Yes I'd like another 10 to leave too so some of my fave clothes would fit again, but I don't want to be stupid about it. I'm gaining a lot of muscle and in the end, I am working to feel good in my own skin again. I want to finish my 50th year being capable and strong and do things that are appropriate for me so I can healthy and strong.

Rawr.

So yeah -I hope you've been handling the winter blahs OK. I'm lifting heavy things over here. :)

Later taters 

Turning on the sign in the window

Well hey.
It's been a few.

So - covid huh?

Yeah.

And anyone else had world war 3 on their 2022 bingo card? Yeah me either.

The old curse about "may your life be interesting" seems to be granting demented wishes for all of us.

I've been finding my ADHD is rabbit holing into Facebook and that combined with being constantly attacked as a scientist for just offering science and kindness to people about covid and just science in general I've tried to take a step back from that. A few weeks off Facebook and already I'm doing other things at home that give me serotonin and reading more again. FB was sucking all that I used to post here, plus the way it's set up just invites me to lurk and seek for some kind of random thing from other people and get me some seratonin...which I should really try to get from actual humans. 

So yeah. I think 'm gonna be back here for a while now. I need a place to comment and rant and such, and I do miss my blog. Life has much to talk about and despite the fuckwittery of the current world there has been much goodness in my life. I am still healthy. Still a scientist. I am a godparent. My cats and husband are adorable as ever. 

I recently started back to a bit more physical activity too after using food and booze to medicate my winter blahs...so there is gonna be some fitness tracking and ranting about how hungry I am while I get back into my previous size of pants. Not gonna lie though, mostly I think it's more my brain needing to spew randomness out and hash out life and my brain and not just have it be for social media. Instagram and Tiktok are amusing, but there's something to be said for Ye Olde Bloggosphere.

So hey -head on over to my other blog - Supposed Golden Path for all the rants and random blarbes I have floating around in my bean.

Have a great day :)

Me and my buddy

Hi!
Well - it's been a while hasn't it. Instagram and FB really steal my need to blog lately. I am getting back into brewing but that doesn't really suit this page so I'll post my stuff over on my other blog (Supposed Golden Path) and try and stay health related here. :)

I was working out 2 months solid and Finished the 30 day shred and  was starting my 3rd week of  the Core de Force MMA inspired workouts and loving it, but when I started doing roundhouse kicks I guess it was a bit too much. Those kicks were doing a number on my muscles in my quads and ITB band and were so tight they were making my knees stiff and sore and click so I took a week off. My knee is feeling OK as of today so I'll get back to it at a gentler pace tomorrow. I'm trying out the Beach body on demand to see what fun things are there. May try PiYo for starters as it's supposed ot be knee friendly. Hoping to get stronger and lose about 10 Lb of holiday festivity. Since I'm mostly working form home now it's no excuse for me to not have time to work out so I'm using it.

I renovated my pantry this past weekend (paint, better shelves and built a custom shelf) and have been working to brew some tasty things, since I'm not going anywhere all summer: Pino Grigio, some raspberry cerveza and some mead (probably pear, and saskatoon ginger). Only have one pail with many carbuoys so I'll probably get a good stash of things ready by July. The mead won't be ready to drink until at least next year....

I popped in since I'm excited about the last post I made here about ayear ago. Today was the ~6 month  3D ultrasound for my friend who, after a long and somewhat unreal attempt at in vitro (including a typo when ordering her sperm order online that ended up in her benefit because she got viable sperm instead of the one she had originally wanted that ended up not being viable...you can't make this stuff up haha. And yeah...yeah you can order sperm online...like a plant seed catalog - who knew?)

With the whole Covid craziness My province has been closed largely since March and I've been unable to go with her to most of her appointments or even visit really I was with her for her first appointment and after that it's been moral support only. It's been tough, as she's been high risk. She had a lot of heavy bleeding for the first 3 months until the little guy finally implanted and settled in. Very concerning. I did a lot of grocery deliveries and moral support visits while she was on bedrest, but then couldn't visit, since I work partly in a lab. In the end, if anything her having to work form home did help her situation for a bit, but now it's just getting in the way. I have dropped off care packages a few times and talked with her inside the house and me in the yard, but it's not the same.

Thank heavens for technology. I was able to link in remotely to watch the live 3D ultrasound as it happened today which is pretty amazing. We also have pre-baby online classes to do virtually starting next week, but I really wish I could be there in person. It's odd, but I am glad I can at least be more involved. The little guy (it's a boy) who we nicknamed Buddy since we saw his little stubby bud arms and legs on his first ultrasound was shy and wouldn't show his face so she is going back in another few weeks for one more check to see if we can get a better view. She'll be at 24 weeks this week so I'm very glad to say that she is mostly out of the woods now as far as the baby is concerned. Such a relief. Saw his hands and feet and heard his heartbeat...I am so excited.

They'd better let me into labor and deliver that's all I have to say!
For now - I'm content to know Buddy is healthy and safe.

stunned

A good friend of mine is close to me in age (43) and hasn't met anyone she wants to be with, but does want to have a child. She's been thinking about it for a while and has decided to go it on her own. She's going to try to get pregnant in the fall. 

Tonight she asked me to be with her in the labor and delivery as her companion when it all finally happens.

I am...stunned and honored. 

I will never get to have that experience myself...I never thought I would have any part of that and made my peace with it.

...I am speechless that I will get to be there as she experiences it and be a part of that with her. 

 :)

Uterus for sale! Get yourself a uterus here!

Well...still looking for answers.
Going on 5 weeks now.
This is annoying.
I've had scans that show my uterine lining is very thick. I have to have a uterine biopsy and see my doctor tomorrow for a full physical but fully expect him to say - well what can ya do? This may be menopause. AGAIN. FFS. I have to wait a month to see the gynocologist because why would I want to know what to do now when I can wait another month...

What can't I do is more like it.
Nothing says lovin' like enforced celibacy with no known end in sight...and moody, hunger and tiredness. I mean I already did my good healing thing. I spent my time in sick land. I demand a reboot. Is this punishment for not working out regularly lately? If so mia culpa. I'll run more I promise.

Honestly? I'm starting to think that I'd to know what my surgical options are. Not that I want to have another operation but if my body is gonna keep doing this non stop I just want something done about it. I have no desire to hang around indefinitely and not have sex...ever...or months at a time. Plus if I'm at high risk of my uterus being stupid like my breast was a few years ago then it can fuck right off. It's not welcome here.

Yep, I am hot, grumpy and tired of this. It's not like I can have kids anyways so I'll happily donate my uterus to science. It certainly isn't helping me out at all.

Yep. I'm cranky.
*mumble mumble*
I built a nice shed with my dad  last week and need to do some work to finish it but I can't because it's been raining and today my neighbor who has decimated his yard to build a garage dug up a gasline so I've been unable to do anything involving gas or work in the yard like I'd hoped today. I could do other things but I'm grumpy. So nyeah.
I should just go to bed and stop mumbling.
Meh.

LATER:
So I probably have a polyp. It explains a lot, and is why I keep bleeding. By the end of July I get a day surgery to have a camera and surgical tools all up in there to remove whatever is making me miserable. If I'm lucky I'll heal up and then be back to normal...
Man I hope this does the trick.

Dear ovaries - you had one job. We talked about this. Chill out.

It's been 5 years since I finished cancer treatment and rang the bell. I can be considered a survivor now officially. I could be in a bit better shape and have put on a few pounds since I can't exercise while I am currently allergic to trees pollinating and can only breathe out of one nostril (oh joy), but hey but I am still here and am very healthy. I can run. I can dance. I have rebuilt my life into something I am rather happy with.

Girly possibly TMI alert!
Yesterday my body reminded me about my life and how things always change and that I need to be vigilant about my health. I am annoyed to say that for the first time in over 6 years I had a light period and some spotting. It's odd - I am supposed to be in chemically induced menopause but there was always a slight chance things could restart again. It's been long enough I figured I was done and I take tamoxifen daily to try and prevent it. Apparently my body has other ideas. I was enjoying this female holiday as one of the only perks of treatment and am rather annoyed to be honest.
I am trying not to worry, as it also means a bunch of tests to make sure this is just "normal...ish" so I'm scheduled for a bunch of scans and bloodwork and smears and pokes. I am also finally in to see a genetic counsellor for testing for mutations a mere 4 years after I asked for the meeting...sheesh. I am hoping all is normal and this is temporary....although that would mean I get to go through menopause AGAIN, and deal with all this business again or possible (ugh) have another surgery to remove some inner girly bits which really...I mean...what the f*ck? My tubes are gone and I'm effectively sterile anyways so what's up ovaries? Work with me here.

Ah - just needed to rant so I don't worry too much. I've talked about it with JJ and he's trying to be supportive and not worry too much either. He's been really busy with work lately so I don't see him much at all so I've spent a lot of time in my head, but he's there when I need him - love that man. I really am doing well other than the allergy things. Feeling a bit jiggly as summer comes and I haven't been working out much, but I am happy and healthy and things will be what they will. I just have to wait and see and try not to bleed all over things until I get this figured out....

Have a great day my good peeps. Be excellent to each other. :)

offer them an ear

"Imagine you're going about your day, minding your own business, when someone sneaks up behind you...You feel something press up against the back of your head, as someone whispers in your ear. "Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life.I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I'm not here, but don't you ever forget... one day I may just pull the trigger... or maybe I won't. Isn't this going to be a fun game?"
This is what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Any STAGE of cancer. Any KIND of cancer. Remission does not change the constant fear. It never truly goes away. It's always in the back of your mind. Please, if you have a loved one who has ever been diagnosed with cancer, remember this. They may never talk about it or they may talk about it often. Listen to them. They aren't asking you to make it better. They want you to sit with them in their fear... their sadness... their anger... just for the moment. That's it. Don't try to talk them out of how they are feeling. That doesn't help. It will only make them feel like what they are going through is being minimized. Don't remind them of all the good things they still have in their life. They know. They are grateful.
But some days they are more aware of that gun pressing into the back of their head and they need to talk about it. Offer them an ear.

Sherry McAllister"

Cosplay crafting 101

I am gearing up for the Calgary Comic expo with my girlfriends at the end of the month. I have a lot to make yet, but I think I'll get it done in time. I have a costume to sew (not too complicated - it's basically a school uniform and it's cut out -just needs sewing and accessorizing) and a prop to finish for it (a bit more complicated).  At the last minute I decided I am making Ryuko Matoi's red scissor blade to go with my costume of her -learning how to sculpt and build with mdf is fascinating. It's so much fun.  We're all also doing a team costume one of the days as a ghostbusters (we all have coveralls and patches and light up proton packs heheheh). The coveralls are all beat up discards from the mine where a friend works so we're gonna go as...wait for it...zombie ghostbusters! Heheh. I know! Don't judge me. We're gonna trash the coveralls even more and wear gross makeup and contacts and have fun with it. We are actually getting my friend Lisa to dress up this year in the group which is fantastic! She never has before so I am so excited. I'm gonna be zombie Spengler...cuz Egon is the best scientist haha.
And... I only have 8 days left to finish all my stuff...but I think I'll get it done. Heheh. We shall see. I have things to go to on the weekend and hopefully I'll still have enough time to get it all done around that. Making the prop piece has added a lot of work to the one costume so I'm gonna make sure I have the main costume done before I do all that, but I think it's doable...it's fun to make stuff. Almost as fun as wearing it to be honest :) The weather's been so nice I can work out in the yard and not fill the house with sawdust. So...so far so good.

In regular life I've been trying to be more active and getting back to running again -I started the couch to 5K last week and it's going OK. My right knee has been it's usual annoying self, but I had some physio and learned it's related to my ITB band and a tight hip so I have stretches and exercises to strengthen things and it seems to be getting better. Foam rolling is helping a lot too. I'm hoping to workout at lunch more often at work with running and some other weights - it gets me out of my office for lunch and I have a membership to the great gym at the campus where I work as part of my salary so I might as well use it more. If I am at a gym I tend to workout harder since I made the fuss of getting there. Plus this way if I don't want to workout at home in the morning and I need to sleep in I can sometimes and have options. I can even go for a swim if I want too.

I really need more sleep than I used to and I have to look after myself better. It's exciting to do it though -I can't wait to get stronger. I feel so good after I workout and it's nice to have that happy buzz again.

Anyhoo...I should go finish up work. Hope you're all having a good day.

Please don't leave candles unattended

Montreal was a blast. I'm back and busy as a bee. Happy and healthy.

BUT I am here for a good reason today...something happened that I want to pass on to all of you to maybe keep you all safer.

Please don't leave burning candles unattended. If you like to burn them have them in holders but most importantly -Put them out when you are done and don't have tea lights or bare candles burning while you sleep or leave the room.

Why?

This.

My friend's girlfriend is lucky to be alive after she had a candlelit bath and a glass of wine an and went to bed, forgetting to blow out a tealight candle she had going while in the tub. She luckily awoke to the alarm and a neighbor helped her escape. She managed to find her glasses and get out of the house full of smoke but they've lost almost everything...the fire destroyed most of the house and all of their stuff. She was in the hospital overnight with breathing problems. She said the smoke was so thick she couldn't see anything...if she wasn't totally familiar with her surroundings she probably wouldn't have found her way out.

So yeah. Please. Be safe.