*mumble mumble*

So tired. Slept in. Again. Did my physio this morning, but not much else. My legs are stiff from yesterday. Rediculous...but to be expected. Tomorrow I will try again to add the bike and do some legwork again. It's amazing how quickly this stuff fades...

I did make the best breakfast ever tho - protein powder with some Tazo chai tea mix, eggnog and ice. Oh my. Delicious. And I made some eggnog rice pudding last night and it was, indeed, heaven in a bowl. AMAZING.

My sleep schedule is whacked. I need to get back to being in bed by 10 and up by 6 and it's gonna take a while. Ugh. I am just tired and cranky and sore, so I'm having to watch I don't snap at people...mostly J. J is preparing for taking an entrepreneur's business course the next 3 weekends and hope there will be some good stuff in it for him. It's only $200 but there may be a lot of things that aren't relevant for him in with some useful stuff and he's not good at dealing with office business bullshit. He's already complaining about it and it hasn't even started yet, so please offer up alms to the gods of patience for me so that I don't snap and lose my shit on him while I'm tired cranky and stiff. And grumpy.
More eggnog please.
*mumble mumble*

Physio day 1

This morning I did a set of upper body physio exercises and 30 each of lunges and squats. I'm supposed to start with doing the physio 3 times a day and working up from there. I'm building up gradually. I'm stiff, but I can do the moves without pain so things are alright. It's a start.

Tomorrow I will hop on the bike for a few minutes as well for some cardio, since winter makes walking a difficult cold thing that I don't do much and am back to taking the bus (boo). I slept in a bit too much today and so I didn't have time for that :) I did make myself some steel cut oats for breakfast though and it was a nice thing. I think I'll start cooking up a bit pot of oatmeal every monday and then reheating it all week for breakfasts...I like my morning smoothies but there's something about oatmeal in the winter mornings that is all warm and cozy.

Winter is here. Let the mugs of tea begin :)

PerihelioN

It was a lovely holidays. I don't want to go back to life.
*pout*
Being off for surgery recovery before holidays gave me a long stretch off and it was lovely. Even tho a good chunk of it was a bit of a blissful painkiller-induced haze, being home with no stress was a lovely thing. I could honestly refuse any and all duties if I wished with no guilt. Having gotten uberfit before surgery gave me some wiggle room for christmas goodies as well, and the week of christmas I thoroughly enjoyed any and all snacks and cookies and apricot beer and mulled wine and...well you get the idea. I got it out of my system for a while and am now ready to get back to a bit more balance. Visiting my sister and family was lovely and low stress and I wish I could be with them more. J's family was nice, but it was a bit awkward since his brother and his wife are newly separated and I was quite close to his wife...so her absence was very noticed and she was missed...it was a bit weird, but still a nice day together. We even had a few days for just J and myself to relax and recharge and it was muchly needed.

As of tomorrow I am cleared to do lower body exercises and physio so I can hop on my bike and do some squats and lunges and start some physio stretches on my arms and back to start getting mobility back. I really need some activity in my life for balance both physically and emotionally. Now that it doesn't hurt to move my arm about I've found that other than a few extreme stretches, I can do most regular things and it's really nice to not get pinged with pain randomly anymore. I've noticed the lack of muscle in my arm only once so far, since I'm still not supposed to do any pushing or heavy lifting for a few weeks - I finally went back to driving the other day (we have a standard so I had to be sure I could use my arm without pain before I drove) - putting our car into reverse requires pushing the shifter in and up to the left and that pushing movement is actually a concentrated movement now...it's odd, but expected. It will take time to get the other muscles to compensate. I just had the last fill on my expander - apparently ~150 mL is the matching volume to bring Frankie to the same size as my remaining breast so now I just have to wait a few months before I swap it out for my implant and they do a lift on my natural breast for balance. I can't wait. The expander looks a bit "off" for lack of a better way to describe it - since it's hard and not naturally soft like implants, it doesn't quite feel or look right. Yet. I hope in the end it will all come out fine...or a reasonably facsimile of fine. I have an appointment at the end of the month wiht my plastic surgeon and he'll give me the final go ahead then if all seems balanced. It looks good now - I can wear a sports bra and look entirely normal, even in a tank top now. In a week or so I hope the incisions will be healed completely and I can wear a regular bra. So hooray. :)

We had people over for a party for the first time in eons on saturday night and it was a great time. The house was full of old friends and a few new ones. We had snacks and wine and mulled wine and mix. Friends brought their decks and drinks and games and some mixed music all night...some ended up building cozy forts in the basement and giggling and dancing and laughing until the sun came up...and oh it was so nice to be a human again. :) I am still very tired (feeling my age indeed...) but it was a great reminder of all of the really lovely people around in my life and a bit of a celebration for me that the worst is over. I really wanted to have a "hooray I'm back!" party without all the heaviness that declaring it to be that sort of thing...so when we noticed that the Perihelion for where we live on the planet was on the 2nd it seemed like a good reason to have a gathering. It was a good way to start the year.
I haven't made resolutions for the year really, other than to be more present. I'll talk more about that later, but in my counselling I've been doing some work with the enneagram personality system and learning a lot about myself. I'm trying to see how I interact with J and others and how to get in better touch with myself and what I need to be happy in this "new" me.
Cuz it's It's a new year.
Further up and further in...

Oops

I had a fun time at a christmas party with friends, but overdid it so I am mucho sore now.

I took a T3 to help and forgot they include caffeine.

Hello everybody.

What's happenin.

*blink blink"*

Aw what the heck...

Merry Christmas!

At the closing of the year

I feel VERY lucky today. Blessed even.
Today after my half day of work my Dad is picking me up and he and I are going to visit an old family friend in the hospital. She has cancer...and they found it too late to do anything. She's in palliative care in the hospital and Dad wants to go and see her and say goodbye while he's here. Yvonne Brown is such a sweet woman. I work with her son and her husband also used to teach here at the university. I know them more through them being down the road at the lake where my Dad lives. They are very kind to my Dad and have us and others over for pancake breakfasts and visits all the time. Dr. Brown also keeps bees and is always giving us honey and beeswax. Mr. Brown recently retired and they were enjoying their time together until this...I guess it was not meant to be. She did some chemo to try and buy her some time, but it only did so much. They were so kind and supportive for me during my treatment. I have tried to be the same...but sometimes it makes me feel more guilty than anything else.

It's just so sad. I remember being in the hospital with Mum. Visiting...knowing that soon I'd be saying goodbye. I've been with others as they left this earth to move on and there is never a fair or easy time of it. It's both a blessing and a curse to be have time to be able to say goodbye to those we love.

I feel like my being there is almost an insult, but I want to go and say goodbye. From time to time I wonder why I seem to be OK now and others are not. Here I am complaining about pains from my reconstructive surgery when Yvonne will never get to that stage. It's gonna be strange. All I know is I'm gonna hug my Dad a lot after I think. Then J too when I get home. And my brother later too. Because I can. Tonight we are heading over to my brother's for Kline Yule and we'll be having our holidays with them tonight...ebelskivers and sausages and mulled wine and games. Family time. Even my humbug of a husband can't resist enjoying himself a little bit :)

What am I getting at? I don't know...all I know is this:

Hug your families and friends this holiday season. They are the greatest gift you'll have. Yes they're crazymaking and by the time the holiday season is over you'll be begging for quiet again, but for now, all I want to so is keep them close and remember just what goodness there is in this world. For there is so much of it. And I am here to be a part of it. And it is oh so very good. :)

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Yes YOU.

"If I cannot bring you comfort then at least I bring you hope
For nothing is more precious than the time we have and so
We all must learn from our misfortunes
Count the blessings that are real
Let the bells ring out for Christmas at the closing of the year..."

Ho Ho Ho?

I am currently making eggnog cookies and avoiding the internet.
I am a Star Wars fan (it was the first movie I ever saw...it's burned into my brain in an unnatural way) and can't get to the new film for a few days yet and I have a number of friends who can't keep from commenting about the film so I've sequestered myself away for a bit. They keep posting things like "isn't it odd in films when characters react to X with Y?" in not-so-clever attempts at vague comments and they are already driving me batty. I hate any kind of spoilers...my brain goes off on a zillion tangents and I get taken out of the wonder of it all...so I am making cookies and will return to facebook whenever I get around to seeing the movie.

Recovery wise I am feeling much better. There is still some pain and soreness, and my movement is still restricted, but it's not like before. I found some old T3's and they're helping me deal with most things remaining. I've got a lot of stiffness and restricted movement and the more I do the more I seem to ache, so it'll take some time to get back to normal. At least I can feel sort of normal. Ish. I must say I wish my incisions would heal up quicker so I can wear a bra...but they're coming. I had a nasty nightmare just after I got home about my incisions ripping open and it has made me absolutely paranoid about that...lets just say that the sooner they're healed up the more sane I'll be.

I'd love to go out dancing to a funk jam tonight, but that is definitely NOT a good idea when I think about it...even if I went just to sit and listen I know I'd end up dancing and would be VERY bad for me at this point...so I'm gonna stay home and try and sew a gift for Xander. At 4 weeks post surgery I can start physio and some basic exercise but I still have a few more days to take it easy.

And so, as a diversion I have some fabric with foxes wearing hats and monacles on it -I am going to make some tiny overalls. I already took an old navy hoodie and made it into a dinosaur hoodie for my nephew's boy Gabriel and got it off in the mail with their christmas presents earlier this week. I was very pleased at how it turned out. Of course I forgot to take a picture, so I'm hoping they'll send me an action shot of Gabe in it at some point.

My friend Jeff also has a young boy and I'm trying to see if there's enough fabric to make him some pants too...we'll see. I just bought 1.5 metres of the fabric a while back when I saw it thinking it would be cute and so I'll have to see just what all I can get made out of it. Right now I feel good enough to sew, so I plan to sew tonight instead of dancing it up with J. I laid out my fabric earlier today and started to cut out things and then my cats played super kicky fight on top of it all so I need to start again. It's all over the place!

As of the 22 my dad arrives and then holiday madness descends...family stuff and something every day and evening until we go to my sister's in Calgary on the 27th for a few days. I always find that part of the holidays a bit much...not enough quiet time for my brain. Add to that that J is a humbug when it comes to christmas and it can be a bit exhausting sometimes. Calgary will be nice though. Visiting my sister is always mellow and low stress. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm glad that my family is saying no gifts except for the kids again this year. I'm doing some baking to give to my family and in-laws and we'll just hang out and play games. Christmas is not something I can really afford with our family being larger, and with me being home recovering it was good to only have to do a small amount to prepare. I think after years of telling my family "I don't want anything for christmas except relaxing with you and drinking wine and playing games" they actually believe me. We're all adults - if I see something I want or want to get for them I just get it at that time and it's delivered then. I am a bit unsure about the in-laws since I haven't really talked to them since the whooping cough fiasco, but I think it'll be OK. If not...well...maybe they'll finally figure it out then.

I hope to try half days at work next week just because I'm getting a bit bored...we'll see. I'm feeling guilty being away from work, so I'll try it out and see how I do.
For now I'll just keep shoving cookies in my gob and make some pants.
Ho fricking ho.

Dilauded and fudge go together like...

Dilauded has been making my life more civilized the last week or so. Keeps the intense muscle pain at an acceptable distance so that I am not miserable while I recover. I was reading up on it today and found an answer as to why, since I have been on it, I have uncharacteristically craved sweet things. Case in point - I bought a big brick of (so delicious) Almond Joy fudge yesterday and I am slowly working my way through it. Apparently hydromorphone lowers your blood sugar as it acts so you crave sugar sometimes while taking it.
So there you go.
Fudge is sometimes medically necessary.

crafty

Today was fun but exhausting. The craft show was fun and after we met another friend for lunch and it was awesome to just catch up and be outside, altho I am done for the day now for sure. My back is now sore and achy and I plan to do nothing for the rest of the day. Without the dilauded there is no distraction from the back pain, so I'm learning to compartmentalize it so I can get on with my day. It's doable. Annoying but doable. I had a nice day regardless.
I came home with a few kinds of hot chocolate, pear ginger tea, some almond joy fudge and a bunch of wonderful things to enjoy in my new tub - soaps, bath salts and bath bombs. Of course I was only tempted by bath stuff and edible things - there were a lot of nice handmade things I liked but not enough to justify bringing home or paying the prices they were and nothing jumped out for gifts so I just had a nice time wandering and relaxing with my friend.

Now it is time for relaxing and tea and perhaps some bollywood movies to distract me and cheer me up :)

On the cusp

I am at that awkward in-between stage. My stitches are healing, but incisions are not fully healed. Things still hurt on a low overall achy level and my movement is restricted, but for the most part I'm not tender to the touch and can walk around and bend OK.  Mobile...ish....my mind is clearer and so my brain would like to do more, and would like to convince my body it could too. I feel eons better than I expected to at this point...and so I need to keep myself in check and not do too much. Today I am off the high level pain medication so I am learning to adjust -I believe I am healing up OK and can get by on Alleve - I deal with pain well, and so far so good.

I am going to a big craft fair with a friend tomorrow and I think I'll be OK - if someone were to nudge me I wouldn't crumple in pain anymore so it will be nice to get out for a bit tomorrow. I don't want to overdo it, but I'm going stir crazy. Maybe I should be resting more...I don't know how this all works. I am trying to sit...but I also walked to the library yesterday so I know that some parts of me work very well still. And compared to chemo this feels so very less.

I just wish I could find a chair that was comfy to sit in! Currently it just does...meh.

Ah well...its better every day. Just gotta amuse myself until I'm there.
And so it goes...


Heh...As a distraction at least I found a 2000's rave mix and goa-psytrance music channel on internet...and it is amusing me immensely...memories and all that... and I also have some fabric to sew a pair of pants for Xander....so I could start on something like that perhaps.
:)

Note to self: do not strangle the nice people

Sometimes my in-laws make me want to strangle them. Case in point:

I felt OK enough to go to my inlaws for supper on sunday evening for family supper. Had a decent meal and visit and came home. Today my MIL texted me to say that my niece who was there has whooping cough and was sick since wednesday altho she wan't coughing. And they never said anything. Nothing. They didn't think it was that contagious, since she wasn't coughing and had started medicine. BASED ON NOTHING. They just thought it was all fine...cuz whooping cough isn't contagious at all or anything. They were talking to a nurse today who told them otherwise and said they should let me know I was exposed.
So long story short -1 day home from the hospital I was exposed to whooping cough. I am not sure if I have had my shots for it...but think I'm gonna go in and get it if I need to. The thought of coughing right now terrifies me. I am feeling pretty good now that my drains came out yesterday (YAY!!) but still...one of the cats jumped on my chest the other day and I was literally paralyzed with pain so I cannot imagine a coughing fit would be helpful right now. I am healing up well and have been paranoid about germs lately.
I will likely be fine...it's just another example of my family being their helpful best.

I was more pissed off since I saw Heather and little Xander today, but it turns out they've both been immunized so it is probably OK.

Clown shoes.